Got a knack of getting lost. Body and soul. Most of the times i didn't realize that i was lost because i was too into myself. I guess it's because of this habit that i came to find a private space of mine within the brain. The imagination, the phantasmagoric realm i call "Space". It's a dark place with dusts and dim distant stars, sometimes i also put black hole and solar systems in there. It's easy to go there, i just need to close my eyes. I did this before i slept every night, when i was idle, on the way, it became a hobby. Imagining (later i fond out that my brother too has this kind of habit, in a whole different level, when imagining, he needs to go back and forth and make weird gestures).

What i did in there is rebulding the stories that happened on the day. I would change the plot of them and set the sequence so that it met my ideal. It was fun there. I could be whatever i want, i could do the things i couldn't out there. It's not a very resistant place though, it rained in there sometimes, and all i could do was just wait.

Growing up, i didn't go into there that much. And arrived at the point where i don't go into there at all. I don't really know why, but i know that the Space is still there, it's still within me. And one day, i even found out that i left a part of me there, drowning in chaos but delicately, like sleeping. It was the part of me which i thought i need to protect. The part of me that i hated cause it's too weak. The part of me that i tried to hide. The part of me, the inner me.

Actually, it wasn't me. It wasn't me who found it. There's this person who kept looking even if i looked away, who kept getting closer even if i walked away, who kept digging, until the Space was then found and this person penetrated my soul like the silence between a question and an answer. This person dragged the part of me out from the Space and prevented me to go back into there. And then i realized that i became the complete me again. Like a crooked circle finding the missing piece on Silverstein's picture book.

That's what he means to me, and i realized that before i realized the "feeling". So, no matter what, he's always gonna be someone who matters to my life. Always? it's a difficult word, isn't it?

Who will fix me now?
Drag me when i'm down
Save me from my self
Don't let me down
Who will make me fight?
Drag me out alive
Save me from myself
Don't let me drown

Ours by Taylor Swift

Hey dear, i sort of stumbled upon this song...

*play the music*

Elevator buttons and morning air
Stranger silence makes me wanna take the stairs
If you were here, we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now, my time is theirs
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you

And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you.
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours
You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine
And you'll say don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours
And it's not theirs to speculate if it's wrong and
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in

I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you
'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
And don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours, they can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours


One night stand(?)

As a person who lives in a country which has diversity in culture (but nonetheless all of them strongly hold moral value) it's easy to see how relative the value of good and bad can be. Moreover with the globalization and westernization that seem to aggravate the dissolving of the boundary between good and bad. There are just too many differences, some good stuffs here can be pretty bad there and the other way around.
But, even though moral value is so relative and i even once read that good and bad is just a product of interest, it doesn't make me then presume that we don't have to think about the good and the bad thing, no, we have to. Stuffs like norms, laws, are products of civilization. For us, civilized creatures, having those stuffs is also the signification of homo sapiens.

Last weekend i went to watch theatre with my mate, A Midsummer Night's Dream. A play written by Shakespeare performed by Teater Sastra. It ended near midnight so there were only few choices of what to do. We actually sort of have decided that we were gonna stay the night to see the night life of the big city, so we kind of did that. We walked from Taman Ismail Marzuki to Sarinah, chuckled awkwardly for a time or two when passing by hotels. I was so excited that i was in a high spirited mood and started humming while walking, until K told me that we could be ambushed any time for it was dead late night and the streets were dark.

"Gak pernah ditodong ya?"

"...Iya. Kamu pernah?"


I stopped humming. K asked me whether i brought a pen, i couldn't find one so i gave him a mechanical pencil instead. He told me "buat jaga-jaga.", well... i don't think that burglars are as amateur as to can be easily defeated by two lovebirds with a mechanical pencil, but we didn't have many choice. We kept strolling down the streets fast-paced, armed with google map. We finally managed to arrive... at McDonald Sarinah.

It was me who chose that place. Why? because it's in the heart of the city and in the morning there will be "Car Free Day". And then K told me that it is a place famous for homosexuals to gather, mingle, date? whatevs... i went there some times back then when i was working as a trainee in one of the office near there in my sophomore year. Never saw that sort of thing in the morning when i had breakfast there...

And it's true... There were many homosexuals dating and gathering or just eating. We could know just by seeing, you can too. They didn't even try to hide it i guess. I wonder why they chose that place. A 24 hrs junk food restaurant which sells lovely strawberry sundae and yummy mcflurry. There were other kinds of people too, like people who were just back from a night club, you could tell from their conversation and their outfits, some women with their partners, looking like prostitutes (but how can you differentiate prostitute and non-prostitute? pfff).

(it turned out that it's a place so interesting for a person who loves to observe people's behavior and way of socializing like K, we can learn stuffs we can't see in pages back at our sanctuary.)

I don't think being homosexual is good, but neither do i think that it's bad (it's different if i talk as a person who holds a belief). I don't know whether it's a perversion, or a mere differentiation of sexual relationship. I just can be sure that we are different. Me, and them. Not in stratum, class, stuffs like that. Being a hetero doesn't determine that i'm any good, vice versa. Something about a person doesn't define who that one is. Stuff like name, race, nationality, gender, and sexual interest, they are only attributes of the self, not the self itself (this sounds funny).

Besides homo-hetero stuff, i also don't think that a girl staying the night in a big city is good, nor i don't think it's bad. A girl like this can be stamped "naughty" on the face here in Indonesia. Some people might think that it is just like "inviting" to do the "bad" to herself. But what then is so bad about being curious about the relation of humans that i can't see in the daylight? what is so bad about sitting inside a junkfood restaurant with a cup of ice cream and some assignment papers? what is so bad about being together with your loved one in a place where you absolutely will not have sex or kiss and stuffs? is it really bad? asking about this i know somehow that it is not good, but is it bad?

In the end,
i don't care.

I had fun and i learned things.


Ketika diberitahu bahwa telepon pintar saya sudah tidak dapat diselamatkan lagi, saya merasa sedih. Namun, selain perasaan sedih saya juga merasa bersyukur. Bersyukur karena saya merasa diingatkan oleh Tuhan bahwa saya tidak boleh terlalu bergantung pada sesuatu. Saya merasa bahwa telepon pintar itu adalah salah satu titik nyaman saya, dan ternyata titik nyaman itu bisa hilang tiba-tiba.

Saya agak heran sebenarnya mengapa rasa syukur itu bisa muncul. Apakah karena saya sudah mengantisipasinya? apakah karena saya belum merasa sangat direpotkan dengan ketidakadaannya? karena pendewasaan? karena prinsip "Ya sudahlah, life moves on." yang diperkenalkan oleh seseorang? entahlah... yang jelas saya bersyukur juga karena di saat begini saya masih bisa bersyukur dan melihat sisi positifnya.

Sebenarnya telepon pintar itu belum begitu lama juga bersama saya, tapi artinya cukup berarti. Itu adalah telepon genggam pertama yang saya beli sendiri. Tidak ada permainan di dalamnya, aplikasi yang memenuhinya adalah aplikasi kamus-kamus, sarana untuk menulis, dan komunikasi. Selain itu ia juga penuh dengan musik-musik yang menemani saya di dalam kereta. Cuma ya sudahlah, mungkin memang sudah saatnya.

Selamat tinggal.


As i stepped outside the train, i saw my surroundings. The old building of the train station, people walking by, the sky, it's dusk.

I remember about one afternoon. Walking with a friend. Entering a museum, laughing at how awkward it was when the security asked us if we were a couple. Cause they don't want couple coming there and kissing or stuffs. It's a museum.

I remember how the secondhand bookshop owner called you my husband. It's just so random. He could just think normally as guessing you my boyfriend or sibling. He said who knows whether we were young couple in a run.

I remember how the night came along with the sudden urge to hold hands as we walked to a nearby mall looking for a place to pray and then eat dinner.

I remember the parting.

Remember how the urge lingered.

Thinking about how it could end up differently, us, no i don't want that.

I laughed inwardly as i realized that this ranting is caused by the longing feeling for your presence. How i want you to be here.


(you know what i want to say so i will just leave it be)


After some dramas and endings, sad goodbyes and partings, we unite. Not as thesis and anithesis. But as the right person for each other.

Like cereal and milk!

After lots of long denials finally we realized that we can't afford to lose each other. The feeling like it is the rightest person to be with. Someone who can find you, someone who can give, someone who understands you. Someone whom you let in to your very sanctuary. 

We don't know since when, but i am his and he is mine. We don't wanna go anywhere or leave. 

Today, watched by candi and arca, we finally decided not to hide any longer.

"So in love."

**Ed Sheeran - Tenerife Sea

Kami duduk menghadap replika arca yang sedang membelah dada. Aku bertanya-tanya, mengapa? segitu sulitnya memahami makna yang dirasa? untung kami terus berbicara. Tidak menjelma menjadi arca yang tidak akan pernah belajar apa-apa. Tidak perlu membelah dada.

Affinity and Acceptance

Mau ramai terlalu sepi, mau sepi terlalu berisik, mau penuh dengan kekosongan, mau kosong terlalu penuh, mau terlalu dirasionalkan, mau tidak bisa dirasionalkan, mau butuh, mau dibutuhkan, mau terlalu mengerti, mau terlalu tidak mengerti, yang perlu dilakukan adalah: akseptasi.

Jika memang segalanya diawali oleh afinitas, maka biarkanlah akseptasi yang meneruskannya.

Sore ini di meja tiba-tiba topiknya berubah menjadi: "Apa bedanya suka dan cinta?"

Katanya suka hanya sekedar tertarik bla bla bla bla: afinitas.

Cinta: menerima.

Sesederhana dan serumit itu.

Jadi ketika kita memilih untuk tidak menerima, mencintai itu bisa jadi kita anggap belum diperlukan saat itu. Atau kita ragu-ragu. Atau memang bukan untuk di kasus yang itu.

Dan ketika kita memilih untuk menerima, tanggung resikonya. Bijaksanalah dalam memilih (ngomong ke diri sendiri :/) dan jangan setengah-setengah.

Saya berpikir ketika saya merasa bisa melakukan akseptasi, saya akan mengabaikan kemungkinan bahwa pilihan itu bisa dibatalkan. Bahwa tidak ada jalan lain selain memelihara akseptasi itu. Bahwa tidak ada yang salah dengan bertahan. Vice versa.


Asking means wanting to know. Wanting to know means you care. I like it when people elaborate their perspective, when they talk about certain thing with their own point of view. It feels like being invited to a room of their mind. It allows you to know them better.

So i asked some people weird questions, hoping them to give some hints of their way of thinking. Their reasonings can be a way to trace what kind of life they've been living, something they've been through. Knowing it means you have entered the backstage of their show. And it means knowing their struggles, their pains, their problems.

And knowing is not the end of that. After knowing here comes a decision. Do you want to proceed? and if you do it means you decide to care. (Or, this is how it works for me)



Apa itu masalah?

Kalau kita coba jelaskan menggunakan gambar yang ada di atas, masalah adalah jarak.

Masalah adalah jarak antara yang terjadi dan yang diharapkan. Kenyataan dan harapan.

Jarak seringkali pun menjadi masalah.

Masalah sudah pernah menjadi jarak.

Jarak sudah pernah menjadi masalah.

Sekarang kita mau apa?

"Our Sanctuary" Mixtape

1. Utada Hikaru - Dareka no Negai ga Kanau Koro

Now i understand why i kept abusing the replay button for two nights only listening to this song.

2. Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One


3. Ed Sheeran - Photograph


4. Banda Neira - Di Atas Kapal Kertas

[We] thought about what kind of story will a papership, and some paper frogs make. They were tired of jumping so they decided to go on a boat who sails with the wind and have an adventure, they went to many places but then came the rain and they decided to make the ship as cover so that they weren't getting wet. They learned that the best place to go home is the home itself. Other places maybe fun but it's not the place you'll stay at in the end and home is the place where you can be yourself completely.
It was fun.

5. Keira Knightley - Lost Stars


Ada yang menggelitik ketika semuanya mengatakan "keluarga". Ada yang menghilangkan rasa takut akan menjadi overly attached ketika mendengarnya. Ternyata semua merasakan hal yang sama, dan ketika persamaan itu kami sadari, kami menjadi satu. Status keluarga bukanlah hal yang bisa sembarangan diberikan. Keluarga itu tempat pulang. Keluarga adalah orang-orang yang kita percayai, orang-orang yang akan saling tolong-menolong, kasih-mengasihi tanpa syarat. Keluarga.

Untuk kalian keluargaku,
kata yang tak terucap:

Pada malam senja bermuara
Pada ketika kita bermula
Ruang tak pernah bersilangan dengan waktu yang sama
Ketika bukan malam
Ketika tak berfajar

Memijak ketika
Menjunjung cerita
Membelakangi awal mula
Menyongsong muara
Namun padanya kita tak akan pernah tiba

Muara senja boleh datang
Untuk kita tak ada petang
Tak ada malam

Sebenarnya agak aneh karena dapat inspirasinya ketika melihat kaos panitia Muara Senja 2, tapi inilah yang bisa dikatakan pada kalian. Bagi kita tidak ada malam, karena kita sudah pulang.

Tonight's Mixtape

Malam itu muara.
Kental, kaya warna.
Bukan bicara nestapa.

"Lagu apa?"

"Yang enak didenger malem-malem."

"Apa ya?"

"Nih. Lo lagi sama temen-temen lo di taman. Kalian males pulang. Udah tuh nyanyi-nyanyi."

"Lagu lama nih. Tau gak?"

Ne-Yo - So Sick

"A rocket to the moon. Tau gak?"

"Gue lebih suka yang baby blue eyes dibanding yang like we used to."

A Rocket To The Moon - Baby Blue Eyes

"Ih lo harus nyanyiin gue Ed Sheeran yang Photograph sama A Team."

"A Team? Sekarang aja."

Ed Sheeran - A Team

"Lagi pengen nyanyi-nyanyi nih."

"Apa ya? terserah lo mau nyanyi apa."

"Gue gak tau chord-nya John Mayer sih."

"...hoh, Eh John Legend."

"Gue sih agak bosen itu."

"Gue juga."

John Legend - All Of Me


I'm thinking about the world.

Thinking about silence.

Thinking about not talking.

And then focus thinking about not talking. Communicating without talking. Because there are so many misunderstandings. Words hurt. Cut like swords. What we mean doesn't reach yet what we doesn't mean does and it's such a hostile one.

What to do? while listening musics. Particular songs i want to hear right now. They actually describe something i guess. And what they describe is always vague. It's always an open answer, we will understand it if people perceive it differently.

How about whenever people ask me how i feel, how i am, i give them a mixtape?

That sounds nice.

People don't always really need explanation anyway when they ask why you don't look like you are at ease.

Just a postmodern poet

Just got a crush with these poems of Richard Brautigan.
Look what i've brought home from http://www.brautigan.net/poetry.html !

"A Cigarette Butt"
A cigarette butt is not a pretty
It is not like the towering trees,
     the green meadows, or the for-
     est flowers.
It is not like a gentle fawn, a
     singing bird, or a hopping
But these are all gone now,
And in the forest's place is a
Blackened world of charred trees
     and rotting flesh—
The remnants of another forrest
A cigarette but is not a pretty

"Moonlight on a Cemetery"
Moonlight drifts from over
A hundred thousand miles
To fall upon a cemetery. 

It reads a hundred epitaphs
And then smiles at a nest of
Baby owls. 

God, all the shit
that is going to be written
     about me
after I am dead. 

I like to think (and

the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.

I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers
as if they were flowers
with spinning blossoms

I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace.

Pretty cute right? :D lovely.

A Struggling ENTP

MBTI doesn't determine what kind of person you are. It's a continuum anyway, the coefisiens you get for each determiner every time you take the test may differ.

I'm an ENTP. It is said that the Sensing-Feeling arena of an ENTP is the least developed area.

The least developed area for the ENTP is the Sensing-Feeling arena. If the Sensing areas are neglected, the ENTP may tend to not take care of details in their life. If the Feeling part of themself is neglected, the ENTP may not value other people's input enough, or may become overly harsh and aggressive. -personalitypage.com

I can be terribly harsh at times. I often forget about how people might feel when i speak matter of factly. I'm used to think when i talk, not think then talk, and my way of thinking doesn't really concern the-feeling-of-the-person-i'm-talking-to aspect.

But i don't think that's good. Even if at hard times it'd kept me from breaking apart.

Maybe i'll always be an ENTP, who's prone to use less feeling. But i don't wanna lose balance. I don't wanna be extremely senseless and emotionless. I know i'm not a good person but i do wanna change. I really wanna change.

I wanna be someone who cares about people, i wanna be someone less-egocentric, but not with changing who i am.

At this point i think changing is not the right word. I'm teaching my self to be better.

Have you seen the tagline on my blog? quotes from BMTH's song:

"I can't drown my demons they know how to swim."

I can't kill my demons, i can't turn them into heavenly creatures, but who knows whether i can teach them to be more humane?


PS: I talk much about MBTI, heh? it's fascinating.

Sorry not sorry

I'd been feeling sorry for not being able to be overwhelmed by feeling. I'd been feeling sorry for being in control. I'd been blaming myself for being okay. I was afraid that i was getting more emotionless, the usual defense mechanism. But then i always thought, i knew all along i always thought, not felt. I thought i was sad, i thought i had to, i thought i need to talk things over. I was afraid that i didn't really feel so.

I was denying my own self.

I was trying to conquer my NT side.

I was trying to seize my ego.

I was trying not to speak so matter of factly.

I was trying to do more than exchanging thoughts and arguments.

But that what makes me okay. That's what keeps me away from sadness. That's why i can be strong. It's the way i am. I can care and not care about things at the same time. I can show that i'm sad and then not feeling anything bad the hour later. I have this kind of control that avoids me to be very messed up inside.

And i don't want to deny myself just because i think i need to feel sad. That if i'm not sad it means i'm the bad guy. No, life is not like a movie where there should be someone to blame. The hated. The bad guy.

And i'm telling you here, when you focus less on your own feeling you can start thinking about others. How they may be affected by your doings, how things will end up id you do certain things. You're able to be more aware. And it also helps you not to be overwhelmed by anything, feeling, angst.

Look, i'm a super egocentric person who tries to be less egocentric. A person with humongous ego to be ruled upon. It's a long way to go, that's why i feel like someone's breaking down my spirit, blocking my journey when this one only thinks about one's own good. Not thinking about how others might be affected by the deeds.

Sounds like an enemy? i'm neutral though. It's hard to really hate anyone.

Yes i'm not sad.
I'm good.
I'm being okay.
So what?
I'm heartless?
I'm just strong.

Tear Jerking Moment

"Say something i'm giving up on you."

It's like:

I don't wanna give up,
So you too don't give up.
I don't wanna leave,
so you too, don't leave.

Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera
For you guys who feel like giving up, who can't hold on anymore...
but please, hold on.


On the last post i mentioned "Ghost Story" right? i remember this team building sleepover i attended, say... 1-2 weeks ago. We did this "write your first impression about your friend." I got some... some comments on my physical appearance, and some weird comment like:

"hantu" (ghost)

ghost, this one said.

I don't know what makes this one have this kind of impression on me.

I'm not angry nor feeling insulted, i'm just curious.

And then this song.

And then i feel like a ghost.


Coldplay's Ghost Stories

Some days ago i went for a little me time. Going to the mall alone, window shopping, bought stuff, enjoyed the drizzle, that day i stumbled upon Coldplay's latest album that was released on May 2014.

I'm not good at giving comments for music i guess, i can only say that the songs are easy to listen, and they mostly talk about broken love but the music is so soothing it doesn't corroborate the broken feeling inside you unlike those tear jerking love songs you listen to so that you can dramatize and hurt yourself like you like it so much, are you masochistic? (ew that's harsh... i'm not being serious here haha)

Here are my favorites:

True Love, Ghost Story, O, Oceans

Listening to these songs makes me wanna embrace all the brokens. To tell them i feel them (not really though), to tell them they are not alone, to stay with them in the cold night watching the electric fireflies wander around the city.

1. True Love

from: http://coldplaylyrics.tumblr.com/post/84557832021/true-love-coldplay
The fourth song in the album. With all my subjectivity i love this song because i ever felt this way:

For a second, I was in control

I had it once, I lost it though

Just because letting the feeling flows and takes control, i became stupid and then failed. Even if this song doesn't really represent what i feel especially now, some lines represent what i ever felt. Like unfinished puzzle. It shows something but you can't get the complete picture because there are these missing pieces. And i just like how the song begs "lie to me" serenely. Like it's really fine to.

2. O

I simply love the song. The music. I can listen to this song and sleep away. Fly on.

3. Ghost Story

Me loves this song.This song is sarcastic. Hahaha.

When you don't believe

I'm here?What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

4. Oceans

 If they said this album revolves around a central theme of "opening yourself up to love" then this one sings about opening yourself up to the unavoidable tendency of being broken. Like, when you have opened yourself up to love that means at that second you think you are ready to be broken. That when the time comes, you'll be ready. It will still hurt, though but it's okay. Cause you've known all along.

And then i remember Viva La Vida. And now i'm thinking how different these songs are to Viva La Vida. But i still love them.

I recommend these songs for those who want to shoo their broken heart pain away and sleep. These songs are relaxing. Your friend who listens to your sobbing without demanding any explanations. Your wind to fly to the night sky.

Good night.

(and i just realized that it's 00.15 already geez)

4 hari

Hari ini seharian saya bangun-tidur-bangun-tidur hanya demi melanjutkan mimpi. Anehnya, mimpinya benar-benar berlanjut secara linear. Ini menyenangkan! aku jadi seperti punya dunia sendiri ketika terlelap. Bukan hal baru bagiku, sih. Tapi 4 hari ini aku sedang memimpikan orang yang sama terus-terusan, padahal orangnya tidak spesial. Tapi bagiku yang di mimpi, dia jadi spesial. Aneh. Saat bangun perasaan spesial itu tidak ikut terbawa.


"Kok lama?"

"Aku nunggu kamu."

"Aku juga nunggu kamu. Hahaha. Berarti kita nunggu kita."

Sesuatu yang menarik

Sesuatu yang menarik:

"Cinta dapat dilukiskan dengan memberi, bukan meminta, sebagai dorongan mulia untuk menyatakan eksistensi dirinya atau aktualisasi dirinya kepada orang lain." - Dr. M. Munamdar Soelaeman di "Ilmu Budaya Dasar (Suatu Pengantar)" halaman 70.

(terlalu malas untuk mengikuti prosedur mengutip yang baik)

Reaksi di dalam otak:

Maka janganlah kamu meminta-minta keberadaan orang yang kamu bilang kamu cintai dengan rasa cintamu sebagai alasannya. Karena cinta akan mengerti bahwa waktu perlu kamu berikan untuknya, dan pabila orang yang dicintai tak membalasnya maka bukan berarti cinta yang gagal, kandas, melainkan keinginannya. Sungguh itu adalah hal yag berbeda.


Kenyataannya gak gitu. Manusia lelah mencintai dengan cara seperti itu maka dari itu mereka menaruh komitmen. Semacam perjanjian pertukaran. Mematerikan kasih sayang.

"Aku aja mikirin kamu terus."

"Aku udah sering ngertiin kamu. Kamu juga harus ngertiin aku dong."

The Book Thief

After watching "The Book Thief" i read the e-book. It's a novel written by Markus Zusak about a girl named Liesel Maminger and the story is told by Death.

When Death tells a story yo must listen.

The story takes place in Germany when Hitler reigned. Now i can't count how many Hitler-era movies i have watched...

Death encountered Liesel for some times because her close ones seem to always leave her that way. Her brother, and later... them. (i mustn't spoil the story)

The characters are so lovable. Liesel herself, her Papa, Rudy, Max, even her yelling Mama. They are so warm and affectionate. This movie tells you to be human. That sometimes you have to do something just because you have to, and you don't need to say "i shouldn't have". We need to embrace our humanity.

And as yo go along with the movie you'll find many interesting quotes (or at least i think that way)... #what

After reading some pages of the book i found that some images are depicted differently in the movie but i'm not disturbed by that. Like, i didn't see the Papa smoke in the movie but in the book he does smoke.

And then i told my brother to watch it and i told him we're gonna make a movie research club. In which we don't only watch. But also blab about the movie.

Tadi di perjalanan pulang saat langit memalam aku membaca koran yang kubeli pagi ini dan kusimpan di dalam tas sepanjang hari. Aku membacanya dari belakang kecuali halaman tentang olahraga. Di halaman keberapa ada foto kampus kita, bahkan artikel tentangnya. Tentang perpustakaannya. Katanya tempat itu nyaman. Ruang terbuka dan semacamnya.

Tidak ada yang memikirkan tempat yang seperti kolam cahaya matahari itu.

Tidak ada tentang tempat yang dinaungi penangkal air yang seadanya.

Mana ada yang tahu tentang mati lampu.

Hari pendidikan.

Ngomong-ngomong hari ini aku lagi-lagi tahu aku tak bisa-bisa lari.

Tak mau.


Can you feel my heart?

"I'm scared to get close

but i hate being alone
i long for that feeling to not feel at all
the higher i get
the lower i'll sink
i can't drown my demons they know how to swim." - Oliver Sykes (Bring Me The Horizon - Can you feel my heart)

Talk about being sentimental. Where's heart? it is soul that we are talking about? nothing about heart. Not its dwelling place.

Turning 18~

I never expected that someone would bother to arrange a birthday surprise for me. But i got two. How sweet of them.

The first one i got on the very day on May 22nd,

it was initiated by Mas Ari. When i was eating gado-gado at recess suddenly Vella and Janette came with a cheesecake and candles.

And then yesterday, during theatre exercise (?) suddenly there came a cake once again~

which was initiated by Niko, the head of niyaniya theatre club.

I also got presents from my family TT_TT and they are stuffs i really need. Meh. Kya.

This is the first time i got such birthday surprise :') mimimimiw

I'm really thankful to God, and to you guys, especially Mas Ari and Niko yang mau repot-repot buat ulan yang cuma sebongkah potato.

Ulan sayang kalian~


Someone told me that my name "ulan" in tagalog means "rain". I just love that very much. And i love rain, i really do. It's just that sometimes love can ruin your day, just like rain (alasan banget).

Now you can start calling me rain...

"Hi. Sup, rain?"

"Hi rain, i love you."

Apaan sih lan...

Light Novel O Yondeiru



私が今読んでいるライトノベルはカゲロウデイズ-the deceivingだ。好きな本を読みながら漢字を勉強することは楽しみ。

Aduh itu di atas... Entahlah apa itu grammatically correct. Well at least i tried right? right? right? So i started reading light novel and it makes me punched by "now you realize how you suck" gitu deh. It's really different with reading japanese manga with that furigana. Yes furigana made me a spoiled girl and now that they are gone i'm being attacked by wild kanji. Kanji, kanji, everywhere.

Now my post is mixed with japanese, english, and bahasa, look at how cool i am (sarcastically smirk, sarcastically doesn't mean it, but well i don't mind your reaction pals, i'm an understanding person :*)

Well... i don't know if you care to know but you know what? UAS is coming. I'm letting a big big sigh now. SIGH. Like, SIGH.

Oh iya, now i'm being involved in a making of short movie with my sisters' friends. I become one of the... cough... how to say this humbly, well... script doer, and my role is a girlfriend of a drug abuser.

And i also submitted some of my writings to Rally the Troops, and they planned to make a second work compilation entitled Tidak Tidak Terbatas. The symbol is the infinity. Cool. Mikikikikih. They are some kind independent community gitu deh.

Ya udah ya.

Haruka (Kamiko's Diary) part 1

Tugas teater... here it goes.

Sinar mentari seperti menggoreskan tambahan warna pada dedaunan dan mekar sakura yang rekah. Dari kejauhan bisa kulihat betapa indahnya pohon itu dengan latar langit biru. Pohon sakura yang berdiri sendirian, dahan-dahan yang menjulur pasrah, kelopak bunga yang gugur dengan lembut, cantik.

Sore ini aku datang untuk sekedar duduk di bawah pohon itu seperti biasanya. Aku menyukai waktuku di sana. Ketika aku hampir sampai aku mendengar suara dari balik pohon itu. siapa? pikirku.

Bisa kudengar itu adalah suara isakkan. Karena penasaran aku condongkan kepalaku untuk mencari tahu siapa yang ada dibalik pohon itu.

Ternyata ada seorang gadis. Sepertinya seumuran denganku tapi aku tidak pernah melihatnya sebelumnya. Mungkin ia bukan relasi dari keluarga kami. Seperti yang terdengar ia sedang menangis terisak. Wajahnya berantakan. Kasihan sekali.

kutanya saja dia...

"...aku bukan anak yang berguna."

mengapa ia berpikir seperti itu?

ia menceritakan kepadaku apa yang telah ia alami. Ia sering dipukuli oleh ayahnya. Ayahnya juga sering memukuli ibunya. Mendengarnya aku merasa kesal. Bukankah ayah adalah pelindung keluarga? ayahku selalu bilang begitu.

Jahat sekali ayahnya.


Mungkin lebih dari jahat. Memangnya dia salah apa sampai harus dipukuli begitu? ibu juga bilang kita tidak boleh menyakiti orang lain. Dan bukankah semua orang tua harusnya menganggap anaknya itu berharga?

Aku terus mencoba menenangkannya sambil mendongak ke atas untuk memperhatikan sekitar. Ketika kulihat langit mulai gelap aku sadar aku sudah berada di luar terlalu lama. Aku harus pulang.

Ketika aku berdiri anak itu juga ikut mengikutiku berdiri. Ia menatapku malu-malu. Wajahnya berantakan. Saat itu aku baru sadar bahwa ada memar di tangannya. Melihatnya membuatku emosi. Aku tidak suka melihatnya kesakitan begitu. Kalau begini sampai kapan ia akan dipukuli terus? apa dia akan terus menderita? mungkin lebih baik penderitaannya dihapuskan saja. Ayahnya lebih baik hilang saja.

mungkin orang jahat lebih baik mati.


Aku spontan kaget karena telah menyuarakan pikiranku. Aku berusaha mengalihkan pembicaraan dengan menanyakan namanya. Haruka. Ia bernama Haruka. Aku menyukai namanya. Aku tersenyum padanya kemudian aku bergegas pulang. Kuharap aku bisa bertemu lagi dengannya dan kami bisa berteman baik.

Very "Me Time"

Current location: Plaza Senayan Jakarta

Ulan sedang berada di tempat ini untuk membeli buku tapi karena sectionnya lagi ditutup sementara sampai sore ulan jadi luntang-lantung. Karena gak ada kerjaan akhirnya makan. Setelah makan waktunya masih aja lama. Akhirnya muter-muter. Abis muter masih lama juga. Rencananya pengen nonton aja, cuma mikirin sayang uangnya mendingan buat beli buku. Eh akhirnya kepake juga buat makan lagi (cuma cemilan kok). Akhirnya balik ke tempat makanan lagi. Waktunya tetap aja masih banyak. Akhirnya buka minna no nihongo. Karena nihongo selalu ada untukmu. Lagi tertarik sama Suzuki-San nih :*

PS: Gak ngarep disusul siapapun kok. Kecuali mau nraktir nonton Godzilla 3D

Ngomong-ngomong karena lagi nganggur let me tell you about sushi (karena abis makan...), tadi ulan baru liat kanji sushi yaitu:


SUSHI itu kanjinya adalah

寿く [ことぶく (kotobuku)] - to congratule/to wish one well

kanjinya sendiri artinya: Longevity, congratulations, one's natural life


司る [つかさどる (tsukasadoru)] -to rule/to govern/to administer

kanjinya artinya: Director, official, govt office, rule, administer

Entahlah mungkin artinya jadi official of longevity or something. Mungkin semacam ritual longevity. Mungkin makan sushi bikin bisa jadi umur panjang. Mada wakatteimasen. Ya udahlah ya~ ulan mau belajar lagi. Chu.