Friday, March 20, 2015


Time is not linear

Björk - I Miss You

You are gorgeous, but i haven't met you yet, i remember, but it hasn't happened yet


Thursday, March 19, 2015

I Know You Are But What Am I?

"You are this"
"You are that"
Who are you?
"You are this"
"You are that"
Yeah, i know you are but what am i?
What am i?
I am a pretentious bitch who loves artsy stuff. My favorite book is philosophy. I bring sketch book everywhere. I don't listen to Top 40.
Yes, sarcasm at its best.

Sunday, March 15, 2015


I'm so happy i attended this music event even though i only watched 3 performers in the end: barasuara, sore, the trees and the wild (i wish i could watch banda neira but they performed at the other stage). We (me and Kems) actually decided to buy the tickets after we heard that the trees and the wild would perform. We didn't really care about the others. But then we heard about the thing between the trees and the wild and barasuara and then we got curious about them too~

And they turned out to be this cool band with really enjoyable songs. Their music gave this strong feeling and what i like about them is they use the mother language, bahasa indonesia, they looked happy when they performed, and their interaction with the audience were good. True entertainer.

And then i chilled with Sore~


I knew this band (the trees and the wild) from 2009 but honestly, i started to love them after Empati Tamako. I even decided to read a short story of mine with this song played by Cipaw at Pesta Sastra. And yesterday was the first time i managed to see them live. I was like, mas remedy i really love your artworks, i really do. But i can't help being a hysterical fan...

If i said barasuara are true entertainers, then the trees and the wild are artisans.

Photo by: kxfzn
I love how they did the stage. They gathered there at the center, playing such intense music. It was like a ritual. It was as if i could go trance. My favorite part was when they played "Saija". I simply love that song and Mas Remedy sang it wholeheartedly.

Saturday, March 14, 2015


"Why don't you ever light your cigarette?"

"If i do, i know it's gonna turn into ashes."

 Phoenix - Rome

Terkadang saya merasa seperti debu dalam asbak.

Hanya debu dalam asbak.

Dari perspektif saya yang non-perokok "hanya" debu dalam asbak itu terkesan lebih "hanya".

Terkadang saya merasa seperti lukisan yang ngepostmo-postmo yang kemudian mengecewakan orang-orang karena ternyata saya cuma...

colorful splatter of emotions


Lalu setelah mengetahuinya orang-orang akan pulang dari pameran.

Kemudian saya akan dicopot, lalu disimpan dalam kardus.

Atau dibuang dan dibiarkan kehujanan.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


Kamu tahu apa yang menarik dari tense yang kamu pakai? it goes on, pumpkin. It means it goes on. Tanpa perlu terdengar seperti janji atau buai yang mudah basi. Dan kamu tambahkan penanda masa yang sudah lewat juga di awal. Still the same. Menarik bagiku, mengingat seharian ini "Yang fana adalah waktu. Kita abadi.", verse dari Sapardi Djoko Damono yang maha menyelami ini menjadi topik diskusi seharian ini.

Kita ini cuma menumpang di sela-sela peraduan ruang dan waktu. Entah apa yang abadi atau adakah yang abadi aku tidak tahu. Aku tidak mau hilang di dalam pikiran yang berserakan di ruang ragu itu, aku mau berpura-pura saja bahwa di realita kita waktu memang fana dan kita abadi. "Kita" tak akan kehilangan esensi. (iya, aku sedang agak kepikiran soal esensi)


Text itu datang ketika saya sedang tengah mendengarkan The Trees and The Wild - Malino. Efek dari dua hal itu berada di momen yang sama adalah bahagia.

Menjemukan, rasa itu
Menafsir mimpi, sehalus sepi

Rasa hati, melawannya
Rasa hati, seandainya

Mari rasuk, merasuk

Bila kau rindu,
Aku 'kan datang segera


Kau rindukan waktu yang pergi
Datanglah kembali padaku 

Ngomong-ngomong tengah mengedit post ini ada yang menambahi:

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Stay With Me by Sam Smith

Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love, it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me

Why am I so emotional?
No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

I should have started writing on my assignment that's due tomorrow (actually i'm not a deadliner but this time i feel like doing it the night before the class i don't know why) but  here i am. Someone played the tune of this song on the piano put at Gd. IV FIB UI and it kinda stuck itself in my head. This song doesn't really speak me or you or us but some parts of it may relate to things happened to you and me separately and to us. Like the first lines~ it reminds me of a person who didn't end up being at a one-night stand cause he thought he needed love. He still does. I do too. And when the song goes on will you hold my hand? the scene of us sitting in the dark with you offering to hold hands would appear.

Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all i need

Tuesday is not so ordinary with the "look who's there?", french fries, how-are-we-supposed-to-do-with-the-whipped-cream-?, and the staircase adventure. How i wanted us to stay like that longer.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Our Kind of Friday, The 13th

Friday, The 13th. I skipped a class to attend this awesome seminar.

I have chirpified the livetweets done by Suara Kita. Click here to see them.

"Apakah anda merasa jakarta tidak mempunyai tempat terbuka untuk bersetubuh?" Pak Rocky said in the beginning of the talk. I couldn't help laughing cause i was sitting with Kemal in the front row.

You can easily notice us because of Kemal's shockingly bright niion bag. Yup. There we are. A couple of modern lovebugs sitting next to each other while listening to a cool om-om saying:

"Apakah anda khawatir akan diserbu pasukan berjubah putih saat bermesraan di depan umum?"

He said that in his time, they got that kind of place where you could cuddle with your lover. It was Ancol. Naik verpa keliling kota sampai binaria~ hatiku jadi gembira talks about a real deal! From what i know, people still do that at Ancol. You can see couples sitting together near the beach in the dark. And then he went on talking about how our body is a media of nature and social construction.

The whole talk went fast. It was really interesting. Mbak Zoya's talk was too. She told us that biologically, it is normal that men think more about sex than women do. Earlier, Pak Rocky said "birahi itu pasti meningkat seiring perbaikan asupan protein masyarakat.", that is problematic for men.

Kemal and I stayed until the Q&A session came. We had to go earlier cause we had to watch Teater UI's show at Gedung IX FIB UI. Mas Ari, who was like a dad when he coached me for Petang Kreatif, played in this show. It's the first time i got to see him doing acting. And the style was Brecht too. The same style he taught us (Jepang 2013) for our "Penjara".

The script of the play is interesting. And the play itself was nicely played. The story is about what happens when there's no one you can put into jail cause every citizen is loyal to the government. The polices are doomed. The utopia is not a utopia for the police. It feels like a spin off of the ideal-yet-delusional-kind-of-socialist-utopia. Funny.

After that we went to Mujigae, a korean restaurant with digital concept. It's a comfy place where you can eat korean cuisine and do selfie with mini ipad available on every table (you also order the menu and request a song with it). We went there cause i told Kemal i got a crush with the -pokki rice cake thingy--what's the name again?--let me google it--tteokpokki.This cute cuisine is chewy and i simply like it though the mujigae's is served as meal, not snack like that sold by Kkuldak. Oh and it was hot spiced. I cried. Everything is better for me when it is not hot spiced. *sob*

I'm not into korean stuffs actually but i have to admit that the concept of the restaurant can please korean culture lovers and it is just a nice place to hang out.

My friday the 13th was not horror at all. <3

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Kolam Sapardi

Kolam: Buku PuisiKolam: Buku Puisi by Sapardi Djoko Damono

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Membaca puisi Sapardi seperti menggunakan bola mata yang berbeda dimana apa yang kita lihat lewatnya terlihat lebih bening. Puisi-puisinya di buku ini romantis tanpa harus melulu bersajak tentang romansa. Salah satu puisi yang saya suka adalah:

Ketika kita membuka buku ini apakah lembaran-lembaran kertas ini bertanya untuk apa?
Ketika kita berjalan-jalan sore hari apakah trotoar bertanya mau kemana?
Ketika kita diam dan tidak berbuat apapun apakah hati kita suka bertanya kenapa?

Bagi saya puisi-puisinya mampu merasuk ke kalbu tanpa mengganggu. Seperti hening. Buku puisi yang menyenangkan untuk dibaca berulang-ulang, dijadikan teman minum teh.

View all my reviews

"Di tangannya, kata seolah mendapatkan tuah. Ungkapan verbal lumrah dalah puisi Sapardi menjelmakan sebuah 'dunia di seberang bahasa' yang enigmatik, tempat segalanya terlihat begitu bening tapi sekaligus tak tertembus, begitu akrab namun selalu tak tertangkap."

(Arif Bagus Prasetyo, Resensi di Tempo)

Buku kumpulan puisi Sapardi yang pertama kali saya baca adalah Ayat-Ayat Api. Kolam ini buku kesekiannya yang isinya sudah saya biarkan merasuk ke dalam diri saya. Saya selalu jatuh cinta dengan puisi beliau. Beliau pernah mengatakan:

"Bagi saya, sudah tidak ada lagi yang baru di dunia ini. Tema dalam puisi itu kan hanya merupakan pengulangan-pengulangan."

Jika begitu adanya maka puisi-puisi Sapardi bisa dibilang berhasil meneruskan pintalan sajak dengan pola dan yang indah. Dalam pengulangan itu ia berhasil menambahkan warna dirinya. Ia akan terus hidup dalam sajak-sajaknya.

Selain puisi di atas ada banyak lagi puisi-puisi di buku ini yang saya suka karena berhasil menyentuh jiwa. Kalimat-kalimat puisinya indah dan menenangkan.

Kau akan mendengar dendang hening
Merawatmu, tak lekang mendenting

Bukankah tidak ada huruf kapital ketika kita bicara?
Bukankah kisah cinta memang tak memerlukan tanda baca?  

Sunday, February 01, 2015

Noken Perdana

Desember lalu saya mengikuti 日本語能力試験 untuk pertama kalinya. Tadinya sih mikir ngapain ngambil JLPT kalau sertifikatnya gak akan kepake dimana-mana? karena setahu saya sertifikat yang sudah bisa berguna untuk apply pekerjaan atau beasiswa itu setidaknya N2. Tapi karena ada pemberitahuan dari dosen bahwa 日本学科 harus ikut tes-nya ya sudah saya ikut. Apa daya~

Udah sebel-sebel karena harus ikut tes-nya, ditambah lagi dengan kenyataan bahwa waktu tes akan diselenggarakan di hari dimana kemarin malamnya adalah malam puncak Festival Budaya. Petang Kreatif. Acara ini biasanya selesai dini hari hampir pagi. Dan saya mengikuti acara sampai akhir. Cuma sempat tidur di kereta dan di setiap break setelah mengerjakan soal. Heu~

Selama tes berlangsung yang saya pikirkan hanya kapan saya bisa tidur dan mama masak apa hari itu. Tapi setelah tes selesai entah kenapa rasa kantuk saya hilang. Bukannya langsung pulang saya malah mampir ke suatu tempat dan khilaf belanja pakaian. Dasar anak muda.

Dari Desember sampai baru-baru ini saya lupa sama sekali soal 日本語能力試験 sampai beberapa hari yang lalu salah seorang 先輩 saya membuat post di LINE tentang hasil dari 能力試験 dan saat itu saya baru panik. Mampus lan! Lupa lo kalau JLPT bisa gak lulus?! dan saya baru ingat katanya hasil nilainya akan dipakai untuk nilai kelas 日本語 entah itu hoax atau tidak.

Saya langsung cari-cari rangkap dari formulir untuk melihat ID dan password saya, lalu saya akses website resminya.

Lalu happy.

Saya tipe pembelajar yang menikmati learning process dan mencintai kegiatan pelahapan ilmu pengetahuan tapi siapa yang tidak suka dapat triple A? ihihihihihihi. Maaf ya norawks.

Untuk teman-teman yang belum pernah ikut JLPT, tes ini diadakan dua kali setahun dan formulirnya bisa diambil di Japan Foundation.
Alamat: Gedung Summitmas 1 3rd Floor, JL Jend.Sudirman Kavling 61-62, JAKARTA, 12190, Daerah Khusus Ibukota Jakarta 12190, Indonesia

Formulirnya tidak gratis. Tesnya juga sama dan harganya berbeda tergantung N berapa yang diambil. Jenis tesnya ada lima dari N5 yaitu yang paling dasar sampai N1 yaitu tingkat dewa.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

2014 All Year Album

Before January runs out, i wanna share my all year favorite album in 2014. Arctic Monkey's AM. I just can't get enough of this album. 41 minutes and 57 seconds of rapture from a band who are yet to reach ascension. While you think this band can't be more awesome, you know you're absolutely wrong. My favorite Arctic Monkey songs was Teddy Picker and Crying Lightning. After this album, well...

It's actually a 2013 album, but this album had accompanied me through the yesteryear and even until now. This album gives the cool feeling that even just listening to it make me feel awesome. I listen to it on the way, leisure time, before sleep, during class break, they stuck in my brain.

1. Do I Wanna Know?

It's only the first track but the awesomeness has flooded your ears. God...

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

2. R U Mine

The first song i listened to that belongs to this album. It can be said that this song is the ace of this album.

I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be
And satisfaction feels like a distant memory
And I can't help myself,
All I wanna hear her say is "Are you mine?"

3.  One For The Road

Don't get that sinking feeling, don't fall apart

4. Arabella

Arabella's got a 70's head
But she's a modern lover
It's an exploration, she's made of outer space
And her lips are like the galaxy's edge
And her kiss the colour of a constellation falling into place

5. I Want It All

Ain't it just like you to kiss me and then hit the road
Leave me listening to The Stones
2000 Light Years From Home

6. No. 1 Party Anthem

It's not like I'm falling in love I just want you to do me no good
You look like you could

7.  Mad Sounds

We just weren't feeling how we wanted to
You sit and try sometimes but you just can't figure out what went wrong

8.  Fireside

Isn't it hard to make up your mind?
When you're losing and your fuse is fireside

9. Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?

This one is super cool~

Now it's three in the morning and I'm trying to change your mind

10. Snap Out Of It

This one is kinda relatable for me. *laughs* snapped out of it though.

I heard that you fell in love
Or near enough
I gotta tell you the truth…
I wanna grab both your shoulders and shake baby
Snap out of it (Snap out of it)
I get the feeling I left it too late, but baby
Snap out of it (Snap out of it)

11.  Knee Socks

And you're kissing to cut through the gloom

12. I Wanna Be Yours

Closed sweetly. The lyrics are rework of John Cooper Clarke's I Wanna Be Yours

I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I won't ever rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot

Now let's close this post with something nice. How about Arctic Monkeys' cover of this psychedelic musician.

Feels Like We Only Go Backwards. Originally by Tame Impala:

Carpe Diem

To the Virgins, Make Much of Time – Robert Herrick

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying,
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he’s to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
and while ye may, go marry;
For having lost just once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.
"The Latin term of that sentiment is carpe diem."
or in english, if not pluck the day, it is usually translated as "seize the day". Sounds familiar? Maybe you listen to Avenged Sevenfold. But i don't find that song having the spirit of carpe diem. Let me tell you the ones that i think do:
Switchfoot - Awakening

Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain
We're awakening
Here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, we're awakening
Air Traffic Controller - Hurry, Hurry
This one is to remind you that seizing the day doesn't mean living it carelessly. It's such a fun song!
A year goes by you wonder why not much is done
You blew right past your precious time with everyone
You've run too much in parallel
Now hurry hurry is your hell
Kris Allen - Live Like We're Dying 
We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying
 Goo Goo Dolls - Rebel Beat
You know that life is like a ticking clock
Nobody knows when it's gonna stop, yeah
Before I'm gone I need to touch someone
With a word, with a kiss, with a decent song, yeah
David Cook - Time of My Life 
The winning song of David Cook. My favorite season of American Idol it was.
I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
A Day To Remember - All I Want
Let's leave no words unspoken
And save regrets for the broken
Todd Carey - The First Day
All your never ending dreams
Screaming out to come alive
The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition

Our rights
Our wrongs
A moment of love
A dream
A laugh
A moment of love
My favorite is Hurry, Hurry.

Friday, January 30, 2015


Aduh gendut. Maaf ya, efek liburan. Kemarin saya memutuskan untuk membeli peralatan belajar dan pemuasan diri jadi saya pergi ke toko buku. Di tengah perjalanan saya pikir "ngapain sendirian?" (tumben ya, lan... biasanya juga pergi sendiri) jadi saya LINE chat saja teman saya Take. Itu dibacanya ta-ke ya bukan tek. Kenapa Take? Karena kami tinggal di kecamatan yang sama dan dari SMP sampai sekarang Take dan saya menikmati main bersama. Oh selain satu SMP, Take juga ikut Abang None Buku meskipun kami tidak berada di angkatan yang sama.

That picture above could be nice tapi kalian tidak tahu effort apa yang harus kami lalui untuk mendapatkan foto-foto ini sementara kami hanya jalan berduaan. Kami punya banyak waktu untuk sashaying in the mall~padahal Take sedang dalam minggu UAS. Katanya "gue udah belajar kok pas minggu tenang"

Pulangnya Take mengantar saya ke rumah dan mampir sebentar untuk mengobrol. Kami memang bisa mengobrol berjam-jam dari dulu. Membicarakan apa saja atau mentertawakan apa saja.


Dead Poets Society

This film will never slip out of my favorite films list. The last film that made me cry was Harry Potter. And now, after awhile~ this graceful film had made me. The story is inspired by Samuel Pickering and was written by Tom Schulman. It's such an amazing script that i decided to read the script after finishing the film and it wrenched my heart just the same. *sob*

Meet Charlie, Meeks, O Captain My Captain, Todd, Cameron, Pitts, Knox, and Neil.

The place is Welton Academy, with its pillars: tradition, honor, discipline, excellence.

The story revolves around Mr. Keating, an english teacher who just moved to Welton preparatory school, gracefully played by Robin Williams, and the boys of his class who decided to reconvene a club named Dead Poets Society. Mr. Keating's teaching and the Latin aphorism carpe diem had carved in their hearts and they started to think of things differently and tried to live their dreams. Motivating? Yeah. But this film will later slap us on the face and shout "reality pulls you back". Cause life is not only about dream, beauty, and poetry after all. But you can use this to consider:

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman: "O me, o life of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life? Answer: that you are here. That life exists, and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse." - Mr. Keating.

NYTimes states that "the movie is too heavy for its own good." but i bet it's only because not all people enjoy poetry and the ambivalence of the verses. It's quite an easy film and simply enjoyable.

Now i quite understand why it made me cry. Because i always love learning and to me learning process is important yet people get so result oriented and forget how happy it is to know more. Learning has become compulsory. An assurance to lead a successful life. And sometimes it is caused by parents. Mr. Keating is just the perfect image of an ideal teacher to me.

Here is my favorite scene and character:

The name is Nuwanda.

Tony Takitani

When i was a freshman i read lots of Murakami's short stories and Tony Takitani is one of those which can't get out of my head i even used it for my final paper assignment last semester. Back then, my friend told me that this story was made into a film, so was interested and began to look for it and watched it and this film just pleased me so much.

And just some weeks ago i made a review on my IMDb account.

To me this film speaks this way:

When you don't know that loneliness exists, you can never feel it. There are many ways to get to know loneliness. One of them is through love.

Thursday, January 29, 2015


It was my first time attending this group's event. I was nervous. New place, new people. What should i do? And then God sent Kemal (really lan?) and he accompanied me. We couldn't help laughing over the idea about us being a couple going to a sexual matter themed event. The topic was about asexuality and the speaker was Nadya, a student of history program who's currently working on her final paper.

Embedded image permalink

Before the discussion started, Rani from communication program initiated to play Monopoli Deal Card and that one round was quite afire by forced trades and retaliations.

I enjoyed being there. To the most because it's a place where people don't judge. And i can learn many things from many people with different backgrounds. And also because they are crazy. Oh, and there were foods (lan -_-). Kemal enjoyed it too cause he decided to join. Yay.

You should check SGRC_UI on, there are lots of informative stuffs.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Why Cryptid?

My first net nickname was moaningzombie. And now i think i'll settle with cryptid. Oh, Ulan you know well that you are a creepy creep. But there is a reason behind the use of the word "cryptid" on this blog. Cryptid is derived from κρύπτω, a greek word which means hide. Cryptid itself means a creature you don't know whether it does exist or not, legend, rumor, 噂, desas-desus. It's pretty much the same with your knowledge of people. You may know the name, the background, and the habit, but there's always something hidden deep within each of human.

It applies to me. I'm a human. I may tell you many things here but there are some too that i choose not to tell. Like, knowing me in person and in here may help to give you 60-70% chance to know me but this 30-40% other might give big difference on concluding about what kind of person i am.

Some words might speak about me but not separately. And it doesn't speak about the whole. Like, when someone said that i'm an arse, they might be 40-50% true, and for something as this is a relative and subjectively assessed matter you will always have to remember that you are not always right and your assessment might differs with others'.

Another example. There's this bunch of people who said that i'm so fake. <insert abominable laugh here> Is this true? well~ not gonna tell it unless there's someone who's nice enough to say it to my face and give the arguments for why that one thinks that i am fake.

The most important thing is i'm being me and you're being you and we'll never know for sure about each other. Cause, what are we? If you think MBTI, the work done by an expert can't even describe us, why would you think that you can define me? Think. It's the new sexy.

"We're all monsters living in a dream. So you be you and i'll still be happy."

Sunday, January 25, 2015

木漏れ日 (Komorebi)

There is no direct translation of this word in English nor in Bahasa Indonesia. When you don't have the word, all you can do is describe it. Google translates it as "Sunshine filtering through foliage" and this is not wrong. For 木漏れ日 consists of three kanji:

木= Tree

漏= To escape/to leak

日= Day, sun, sunshine

The scattered particles of sunshine. The sunshine that make it through the foliage. Giving us delicate scene of dim light and shadow dancing on the ground. So serene, so calm.

When i searched about 木漏れ日i stumbled upon this:

Yes. A Komorebi Umbrella designed by Fumito Kogure and Shinya Kaneko. (here)
It's tagged ¥3,999 or in rupiah it's like 400K something~ A fancy thing like this, you don't buy the handiness but the design.

Japan has many untranslable words and 木漏れ日is just one of them. Thinking of this makes me want to re-watch Lost in Translation.

Now i wonder... what song would suit this word? Perhaps... King's X - Sunshine Rain?

"Told me feelings never go away, you have to learn to live this way. And keep yourself alive, that's what he said, that's what he said. I walk through sunshine rain."

Or The Trees by Rush? no... what about Craft Spell's Komorebi? Yup. You just can't miss this one. If you are dancing amongst the beautiful scattered light, this song can be a convenient companion. The soothing music, the subtly enchanting lyrics. Recommended.

Craft Spell - Komorebi

[Verse 1]
Take the time to know
How alone you are in this world
Just to find
Death is on your mind
As you stand still, you realize where you are
In her world
Aged and bright
My moon after the tide

[Verse 2]
How was I to show
For the time i spend alone in my head
The world nobody knows
As i lay still, your wind carried the clouds
To feel
Slow and kind
My moon after the tide

I also scribed something on

“Komorebi” has no direct translation. Japan does have a knack of getting people lost in translation. But no worries, if you don’t have the exact word then all you have to do is describe. Komorebi’s definition is the scattered sunshine that make it through the ground. The particle of sunshine that goes through the foliage and dance with the shadow. Poetic indeed. It may be caused by how japanese people (talking about traditional culture) value nature. As for the lyrics themselves, they may have no direct relation to komorebi. But you may imagine this song played as you dance or stand in the forest and komorebi pours on the ground and you. You see, this song may see komorebi as a metaphor of a situation faced or a feeling. Solitude. Just like when you look at komorebi, you may find it beautiful in the sense of the sunshine that make it through the foliage. But in the sense of scattered sunshine? there, there, as it rhymes with what you feel inside you will understand. The solitude begins to scatter you.

And um, this.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Donnie Darko "Walk Me Home" scene

So i just watched Donnie Darko yesterday and i think i've got a crush-itis, thanks to Jake Gyllenhaal. It's a nice movie with multiple interpretations. You can say that it's about time travel, you can say that it's about schizophrenia, well... leave it to your imagination. Now why don't we just put the difficult thing aside and enjoy this moderately cute after-school walk scene?


<Donnie is walking home. Seth Devlin and his friend are pestering Gretchen.>

Seth Devlin: Hey …. has anyone ever told you that you’re sexy?

Ricky: I like your boobs.
<They both laugh.>

Donnie Darko: Hey.

Gretchen Ross. Hey.

Donnie Darko: School was cancelled.

Gretchen Ross: Do you want to walk me home?

Donnie Darko: Sure.

<Seth gestures at Donnie, but Gretchen and Donnie walk on.>

Gretchen Ross: Don’t look so freaked.

Donnie Darko. I’m not. You should check your backpack those guys love to steal shit.

Gretchen Ross. Fuck 'em.
<Gretchen turns and raises her middle finger at Seth and Ricky>

Donnie Darko: So, why did you move here?

Gretchen Ross: My parents got a divorce. My Mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.

Donnie Darko: Oh I have those too. What kind of emotional problems does your Dad have?

Gretchen Ross: He stabbed my Mom four times in the chest.

Donnie Darko: Oh. Did he go to jail?

Gretchen Ross: No, he fled. They still can’t find him. But my Mom and I had to change our names. And I thought “Gretchen Ross” was really cool.

Donnie Darko: I was in jail once. I mean I accidentally burned down this house. It was abandoned, but still, I got held back in school and I can’t drive until I’m 21. But I’m over all of that. I … I …. I’m painting and stuff. Writing. I want to be a writer, or maybe a painter, I don’t know, or maybe both. I’ll write a book and draw the pictures. Then maybe people will understand me. I don’t know, change things.

Gretchen Ross: Donnie Darko? What the hell kind of name is that? It’s like some sort of superhero or something.

Donnie Darko: What makes you think I’m not?

Gretchen Ross: Look, I should go. For physics, Monnitoff is having me write this essay. Greatest invention ever to benefit mankind.

Donnie Darko: It’s Monnitoff. But that’s easy. Antiseptics. Like the whole sanitation thing. Joseph Lister, 1895. Before antiseptics, there was no sanitation, especially in medicine.

Gretchen Ross: You mean soap?

Donnie Darko: Well, I’m really glad school was flooded today.

Gretchen Ross: Why is that?

Donnie Darko: Because you and I would have never had this conversation.

Gretchen Ross: You’re weird.

Donnie Darko: Sorry.

Gretchen Ross: No, that was a compliment.

Donnie Darko: Well, look, errr …. you want to go with me? (laughs)

Gretchen Ross: Where do you want to go?

Donnie Darko: No, I mean like “go” with me. You know like, it’s what we call it here. “Going together”.

Gretchen Ross: Sure.

<Gretchen turns and begins to walk off.>

Donnie Darko. OK. Hey, where are you going?

Gretchen Ross: I’m going home.

<Gretchen continues home.>

Donnie Darko: So stupid! (muttered) “Where are you going?” 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Semacam Spin-Off

Feeling nervous, i inched towards the window nearby and looked through the glass. Trying to make my mind wander, to think about anything else. I didn't want him to know how nervous i was or how hard i tried not to appear that way. I didn't want him to notice that the time we spent separately made any slight of touch felt like new. He kept chuckling at me who kept acting awkwardly. I thought, it's not fair. It's only me who feels nervous.
Then he stood right behind me, i felt something. Something pounded so hard against my back. Still, the hands were still reaching. Steady still his feet standing. But that moment i realized that despites all that, and how he could still manage to tease my awkwardness, he was just as nervous as i was.

Or maybe you were even more nervous than i was. I never felt someone's heart pounding that hard before. Haha.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Perspective and Feminism

That is a symbol. I made it by combining a triangle and a circumpunct. These two are ancient symbols and throughout the ages the meanings have varied. Symbolizing gender, this triangle can bear the meaning "male", and the circumpunct itself symbolizes solar system. Thus, i made this as the symbol of patriarchy. Feminists believe that this world is patriarchal and that's why women are oppressed.

Now do a flip, baby.

Flip vertical.


Now that becomes the symbol of matriarchy.

To make it simple, i made a conclusion:

Now  maybe you are thinking how anti-feminist i sound hum? I don't know whether it can also be called anti-feminist, but i don't believe in the notion to eradicate oppression against women by "fighting" it. To me, it seems that it might make some misunderstood judgements. I'm not saying that women are not oppressed. We know that the history has written down real cases of oppression against women but the thing is: it's not only women who are oppressed.

Men are oppressed too.

People. People are oppressed.

There are many kind of oppression towards certain people who have certain "identities", which is what i call fixed fate. Something you can't change about you because it'd been preordained before you were born. Your race, your ethnicity, your family, your sex, your skin color, etc.

I always believe that human has the ability to choose, that's why it is his actions, what determine who that person is. How a person deal with the fixed fates, the final decision a person makes after contemplation (cause just like what Descartes said, i think therefore i am!). So, we can't just treat anyone differently just because it is a man, a woman, negroid, caucasoid, we can't just shallowly judge a person from that tiny bit of information. But that is what has been happening for ages. Discrimination. Discrimination everywhere.

What we need is the awareness of how different people are and that it's fine like that.

Indonesia has a very beautiful slogan that represents this principle. If people comply with this value, it is actually easy living together as multicultural society.

"Bhinneka Tunggal Ika"

It is actually easy to live alongside our people regardless the race, ethnicity, or religion.

Keys: tolerance, equality

► On A Day Just Like This

"I remember how the first time i laid my eyes on you"

How do we describe the moment we finally laid eyes on each other again?

How do i describe the moment i felt your heartbeat pounding against my back?

 "It was on a day just like this"


It was just a day like another day

Another day begun by the sun rising and ended by it setting

But ours dawned when it started to dusk

It dawned on us it was gonna start to dusk

"Can we talk for awhile? I'm sick of living in black and white"

People keep telling us lies such as right and wrong

All we want is just to wear another color or not at all

They keep telling us lies such as right and wrong

We just wanted to wear another color or not at all

"I'm getting ready for my sanctuary. I'm feeling unsteady."

21 stories made by them, we just uprose
(You know how it sounds the same way with what we stand on)

let's just tell them that we don't give a damn

"So hear me say. Something better is coming up. It caught my eyes. Something brighter is coming up. It hurt my eyes."

Cause you've always been the sight for my sore eyes

Though initially i didn't know or it felt like it's just too asinine

Tomorrow is always unforeseen

It's fine

It's not the morrow that had to be seen

or to entwine
"The moment was golden when the day's getting colder"

Now how do we describe how the night went cold?

People won't let us, there is no word allowed

So how do we describe how the night went cold?

"So hear me say"

 There were no words

"Something better is coming up. It caught my eyes."

I'm sick of the estuarine of electric stars so i shut off the closest ones

"Something brighter is coming up. It hurt my eyes."

cause when it's dark anything seems way brighter

"Something better is coming up. It caught my eyes."

It dawned on me but it's

"Something brighter is coming up


It hurt my eyes."

the sight of my eyes so sore

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Flipping a table

Most of the time i think too much. Sometimes it deprived me from my sleep. Sometimes i would lay down on my bed with my eyes closed for hours but it didn't put me into sleep. Not even a blink. I just laid there thinking, or imagining things, and believe me no matter how hard i tried to stop, i just couldn't.

Sometimes that would make me think:

"Marriage will be fun."

Thinking that i'll have someone with whom i can talk for hours, we can go to a 24 hrs cafe at midnight and have a 3pm conversation about whatever it is that comes into our funny minds, and then we can go home and just cuddle for hours, until the sun rises and we need to work our arses off on compulsory money-seeking routines we love cause indeed we are all mundanes living in secular world besides having the ability to have a faith.

 We have to eat, therefore we can pray. Stay alive first, then live.

But life can be an arse. A very big one. Maybe bigger than that of Kadarshian. You can have ideals, lots of 'em but life doesn't work the way your imagination does. If you don't take control, someone elses will. And sometimes you have to fight for it, and most of the times the others are way stronger, smarter, better than you are.

In your imagination you can meet the ideal as easy as flipping a table when you are on rage, but in reality that table is made of solid rock and is attached to the floor. You have to work your way to have the ability to flip that kind of table, or leave for another choice. There are lots of   'em, choice, but most of the times the problem is: it is not the table you want to flip.

It leaves me kind of anxious. This kind of thoughts. Look what i've done to myself: i'm thinking and producing my own fear.

:that i've found a table i want to flip but in order to flip it i need ages working on my power and that still doesn't guarantee that i will really be able to flip that table cause there are other possibilities, margin of errors, external forces, etc.

Well, it's a fear. Fear exists but to be afraid is a very decision.
I choose not to be afraid because it might block me from doing stuffs i should be doing.

Pardon my brain.

Sunday, January 04, 2015


One night i looked at dad, who was having a conflict with his wife. Tomorrow was New Year's Eve, i chose to spend it with dad though i could've chosen to go with my sister to visit my brother or off to Tasikmalaya, where my mom always spends the semester break, her hometown.

That night, i knew i chose rightly. My brother was to have a barbeque party and there in Tasik, it would be a feast and the house would be crowded with warm families and neighbors, but dad was alone that night, he needed me and he would never say that if i were somewhere else. He would keep it himself. Swallow it. Growing up, i can tell pain when i see one. I saw it as i listened to him speaking. Pain. Gulp. Pain shouldn't be something we swallow. That's what made him worse. The pain was infecting him. He won't listen to his wife, who was in her family's house--apologizing to him through phone call.

I decided to talk to him. He told me how she repeated the same mistake, and then i responded with telling him how i think even though it shouldn't be like that, it's one of the common things people keep doing. Making the same mistakes all over again. It can be exhausting to try to believe someone who keeps repeating mistakes, and it is hard to accept that there are ones who can't quite learn from their former mistake--to learn from mistake--to become wise after piling up mistakes. Sorry, the ability of human to learn differs greatly (and blatantly speaking, she is kind of innocent, short-minded, but nice!). That's why, understanding is the best thing to do. And by understanding, it doesn't mean agreeing with the mistake. But by understanding, we can forgive--and not forget. We can learn, and help the other to learn too. Our conversation broadened and we argued at many points and i thought that meant he wouldn't change his mind. But then i heard him calling her, and he told her that he talked with me and it made him change his mind. He wanted to give her a chance.

I was relieved. Not because we finally got additional for spending the eve, not only that. It was just, it kind of warmed me knowing that dad actually listened to me and even considered it again.

So, 2015.

The second New Year's Eve i spent without seeing any fireworks. Sounds kind of dull eh? but it doesn't bother me at all.

Oh, i found a piece of writing i made about the 2013-2014 eve:

I crouched at the corner of my room, on the bed, looking at the window. There it comes, i said inwardly. The new year. It had left me behind on December with my vis inertiae. No, i guess i was stuck in between. And that what made me lost. Lost in thought, lost in circles. And then, boom. The sound of the fireworks. I tried to see them from my window but i couldn't see one because of the buildings. I closed my eyes. And then there it was, the only firework i saw this New Year's eve was this firework in my very thought. The vivid images of the fireworks and the ignited sky danced with the real sounds. Boom. Imagination and reality collide.

I know it's kind of late, but:

Happy New Year!

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Friendly Reminder


To me this kind of thing is just nonsense. I do agree that it's sad, but it's a stupid thing to do in the first place. It makes having feeling seems sentimental, too sentimental that it is often considered as a defect--

"Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side." - Sherlock, Scandal in Belgravia

--a glitch in the system,  a disadvantage--

"I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof." - Sherlock, Scandal in Belgravia

But just as i think if there seems to be a problem occurring in the system, it's not the system which is at fault but the practice (the practice is always about both the human and the system. How good human can follow the system and how resilient a system should be). For example, how they say capitalism does more harm than good. People should stop thinking like that. It's not only about the capitalist, neither is it only about capitalism. If there's something undesired, if there's a problem--not-meeting-expectation, it has to do with the practice.

Sorry, so... as i think that it has to do with the practice, in this case the practice is how a person reacts to certain feeling, what i consider as nonsense and stupid is that kind of action poem-ed above. Not the feeling itself. Yes, the previous paragraph only serves to provide supporting argument of why i think:

That is such a stupid thing to do.
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