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A Struggling ENTP

MBTI doesn't determine what kind of person you are. It's a continuum anyway, the coefisiens you get for each determiner every time you take the test may differ.


I'm an ENTP. It is said that the Sensing-Feeling arena of an ENTP is the least developed area.

The least developed area for the ENTP is the Sensing-Feeling arena. If the Sensing areas are neglected, the ENTP may tend to not take care of details in their life. If the Feeling part of themself is neglected, the ENTP may not value other people's input enough, or may become overly harsh and aggressive. -personalitypage.com


I can be terribly harsh at times. I often forget about how people might feel when i speak matter of factly. I'm used to think when i talk, not think then talk, and my way of thinking doesn't really concern the-feeling-of-the-person-i'm-talking-to aspect.

But i don't think that's good. Even if at hard times it'd kept me from breaking apart.


Maybe i'll always be an ENTP, who's prone to use less feeling. But i don't wanna lose balance. I don't wanna be extremely senseless and emotionless. I know i'm not a good person but i do wanna change. I really wanna change.

I wanna be someone who cares about people, i wanna be someone less-egocentric, but not with changing who i am.

At this point i think changing is not the right word. I'm teaching my self to be better.


Have you seen the tagline on my blog? quotes from BMTH's song:

"I can't drown my demons they know how to swim."

I can't kill my demons, i can't turn them into heavenly creatures, but who knows whether i can teach them to be more humane?

Bismillah.

PS: I talk much about MBTI, heh? it's fascinating.

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Sorry not sorry

I'd been feeling sorry for not being able to be overwhelmed by feeling. I'd been feeling sorry for being in control. I'd been blaming myself for being okay. I was afraid that i was getting more emotionless, the usual defense mechanism. But then i always thought, i knew all along i always thought, not felt. I thought i was sad, i thought i had to, i thought i need to talk things over. I was afraid that i didn't really feel so.


I was denying my own self.

I was trying to conquer my NT side.

I was trying to seize my ego.

I was trying not to speak so matter of factly.

I was trying to do more than exchanging thoughts and arguments.

But that what makes me okay. That's what keeps me away from sadness. That's why i can be strong. It's the way i am. I can care and not care about things at the same time. I can show that i'm sad and then not feeling anything bad the hour later. I have this kind of control that avoids me to be very messed up inside.

And i don't want to deny myself just because i think i need to feel sad. That if i'm not sad it means i'm the bad guy. No, life is not like a movie where there should be someone to blame. The hated. The bad guy.

And i'm telling you here, when you focus less on your own feeling you can start thinking about others. How they may be affected by your doings, how things will end up id you do certain things. You're able to be more aware. And it also helps you not to be overwhelmed by anything, feeling, angst.

Look, i'm a super egocentric person who tries to be less egocentric. A person with humongous ego to be ruled upon. It's a long way to go, that's why i feel like someone's breaking down my spirit, blocking my journey when this one only thinks about one's own good. Not thinking about how others might be affected by the deeds.

Sounds like an enemy? i'm neutral though. It's hard to really hate anyone.


Yes i'm not sad.
I'm good.
I'm being okay.
So what?
I'm heartless?
No.
I'm just strong.

0

Tear Jerking Moment

"Say something i'm giving up on you."





It's like:

I don't wanna give up,
So you too don't give up.
I don't wanna leave,
so you too, don't leave.
Please.


Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera
For you guys who feel like giving up, who can't hold on anymore...
but please, hold on.

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Hantu

On the last post i mentioned "Ghost Story" right? i remember this team building sleepover i attended, say... 1-2 weeks ago. We did this "write your first impression about your friend." I got some... some comments on my physical appearance, and some weird comment like:


"hantu" (ghost)

ghost, this one said.

I don't know what makes this one have this kind of impression on me.

I'm not angry nor feeling insulted, i'm just curious.

And then this song.

And then i feel like a ghost.

crap.

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Coldplay's Ghost Stories

Some days ago i went for a little me time. Going to the mall alone, window shopping, bought stuff, enjoyed the drizzle, that day i stumbled upon Coldplay's latest album that was released on May 2014.

I'm not good at giving comments for music i guess, i can only say that the songs are easy to listen, and they mostly talk about broken love but the music is so soothing it doesn't corroborate the broken feeling inside you unlike those tear jerking love songs you listen to so that you can dramatize and hurt yourself like you like it so much, are you masochistic? (ew that's harsh... i'm not being serious here haha)

Here are my favorites:

True Love, Ghost Story, O, Oceans

Listening to these songs makes me wanna embrace all the brokens. To tell them i feel them (not really though), to tell them they are not alone, to stay with them in the cold night watching the electric fireflies wander around the city.

1. True Love

from: http://coldplaylyrics.tumblr.com/post/84557832021/true-love-coldplay
The fourth song in the album. With all my subjectivity i love this song because i ever felt this way:

For a second, I was in control


I had it once, I lost it though

Just because letting the feeling flows and takes control, i became stupid and then failed. Even if this song doesn't really represent what i feel especially now, some lines represent what i ever felt. Like unfinished puzzle. It shows something but you can't get the complete picture because there are these missing pieces. And i just like how the song begs "lie to me" serenely. Like it's really fine to.


2. O

http://sioweelin.wordpress.com/2014/05/13/ghost-stories-spirits-of-the-coldplay-past/
I simply love the song. The music. I can listen to this song and sleep away. Fly on.


3. Ghost Story

http://www.cut-online.com
Me loves this song.This song is sarcastic. Hahaha.

When you don't believe

I'm here?What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

4. Oceans

http://www.idolator.com/7515309/coldplay-oceans-live-bbc-ghost-stories
 If they said this album revolves around a central theme of "opening yourself up to love" then this one sings about opening yourself up to the unavoidable tendency of being broken. Like, when you have opened yourself up to love that means at that second you think you are ready to be broken. That when the time comes, you'll be ready. It will still hurt, though but it's okay. Cause you've known all along.


And then i remember Viva La Vida. And now i'm thinking how different these songs are to Viva La Vida. But i still love them.



I recommend these songs for those who want to shoo their broken heart pain away and sleep. These songs are relaxing. Your friend who listens to your sobbing without demanding any explanations. Your wind to fly to the night sky.

Good night.

(and i just realized that it's 00.15 already geez)

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4 hari

Hari ini seharian saya bangun-tidur-bangun-tidur hanya demi melanjutkan mimpi. Anehnya, mimpinya benar-benar berlanjut secara linear. Ini menyenangkan! aku jadi seperti punya dunia sendiri ketika terlelap. Bukan hal baru bagiku, sih. Tapi 4 hari ini aku sedang memimpikan orang yang sama terus-terusan, padahal orangnya tidak spesial. Tapi bagiku yang di mimpi, dia jadi spesial. Aneh. Saat bangun perasaan spesial itu tidak ikut terbawa.


Cuplikan:

"Kok lama?"

"Aku nunggu kamu."

"Aku juga nunggu kamu. Hahaha. Berarti kita nunggu kita."

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Sesuatu yang menarik

Sesuatu yang menarik:


"Cinta dapat dilukiskan dengan memberi, bukan meminta, sebagai dorongan mulia untuk menyatakan eksistensi dirinya atau aktualisasi dirinya kepada orang lain." - Dr. M. Munamdar Soelaeman di "Ilmu Budaya Dasar (Suatu Pengantar)" halaman 70.

(terlalu malas untuk mengikuti prosedur mengutip yang baik)


Reaksi di dalam otak:

Maka janganlah kamu meminta-minta keberadaan orang yang kamu bilang kamu cintai dengan rasa cintamu sebagai alasannya. Karena cinta akan mengerti bahwa waktu perlu kamu berikan untuknya, dan pabila orang yang dicintai tak membalasnya maka bukan berarti cinta yang gagal, kandas, melainkan keinginannya. Sungguh itu adalah hal yag berbeda.


Masalahnya:

Kenyataannya gak gitu. Manusia lelah mencintai dengan cara seperti itu maka dari itu mereka menaruh komitmen. Semacam perjanjian pertukaran. Mematerikan kasih sayang.

"Aku aja mikirin kamu terus."

"Aku udah sering ngertiin kamu. Kamu juga harus ngertiin aku dong."

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The Book Thief

After watching "The Book Thief" i read the e-book. It's a novel written by Markus Zusak about a girl named Liesel Maminger and the story is told by Death.

When Death tells a story yo must listen.

The story takes place in Germany when Hitler reigned. Now i can't count how many Hitler-era movies i have watched...

Death encountered Liesel for some times because her close ones seem to always leave her that way. Her brother, and later... them. (i mustn't spoil the story)


The characters are so lovable. Liesel herself, her Papa, Rudy, Max, even her yelling Mama. They are so warm and affectionate. This movie tells you to be human. That sometimes you have to do something just because you have to, and you don't need to say "i shouldn't have". We need to embrace our humanity.


And as yo go along with the movie you'll find many interesting quotes (or at least i think that way)... #what

After reading some pages of the book i found that some images are depicted differently in the movie but i'm not disturbed by that. Like, i didn't see the Papa smoke in the movie but in the book he does smoke.




And then i told my brother to watch it and i told him we're gonna make a movie research club. In which we don't only watch. But also blab about the movie.

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Tadi di perjalanan pulang saat langit memalam aku membaca koran yang kubeli pagi ini dan kusimpan di dalam tas sepanjang hari. Aku membacanya dari belakang kecuali halaman tentang olahraga. Di halaman keberapa ada foto kampus kita, bahkan artikel tentangnya. Tentang perpustakaannya. Katanya tempat itu nyaman. Ruang terbuka dan semacamnya.
Iya.

Tidak ada yang memikirkan tempat yang seperti kolam cahaya matahari itu.

Tidak ada tentang tempat yang dinaungi penangkal air yang seadanya.

Mana ada yang tahu tentang mati lampu.

Hari pendidikan.

Ngomong-ngomong hari ini aku lagi-lagi tahu aku tak bisa-bisa lari.

Tak mau.

Kenapa?

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Can you feel my heart?

"I'm scared to get close

but i hate being alone
i long for that feeling to not feel at all
the higher i get
the lower i'll sink
i can't drown my demons they know how to swim." - Oliver Sykes (Bring Me The Horizon - Can you feel my heart)

Talk about being sentimental. Where's heart? it is soul that we are talking about? nothing about heart. Not its dwelling place.

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Turning 18~

I never expected that someone would bother to arrange a birthday surprise for me. But i got two. How sweet of them.


The first one i got on the very day on May 22nd,


it was initiated by Mas Ari. When i was eating gado-gado at recess suddenly Vella and Janette came with a cheesecake and candles.

And then yesterday, during theatre exercise (?) suddenly there came a cake once again~


which was initiated by Niko, the head of niyaniya theatre club.

I also got presents from my family TT_TT and they are stuffs i really need. Meh. Kya.

This is the first time i got such birthday surprise :') mimimimiw

I'm really thankful to God, and to you guys, especially Mas Ari and Niko yang mau repot-repot buat ulan yang cuma sebongkah potato.

Ulan sayang kalian~

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Name=Rain

Someone told me that my name "ulan" in tagalog means "rain". I just love that very much. And i love rain, i really do. It's just that sometimes love can ruin your day, just like rain (alasan banget).


Now you can start calling me rain...

"Hi. Sup, rain?"

"Hi rain, i love you."

Apaan sih lan...

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Light Novel O Yondeiru

i最近この私がライトノベルを読み始めた。漫画と全く違うだ!振り仮名がない!泣いた方が良いかなぁ。


ストレスを重ね過ぎたせいで、日本語で書きたい。私が解らない。しょうもないと思う。でも頑張ります、負けることが嫌いからさ。

私が今読んでいるライトノベルはカゲロウデイズ-the deceivingだ。好きな本を読みながら漢字を勉強することは楽しみ。

Aduh itu di atas... Entahlah apa itu grammatically correct. Well at least i tried right? right? right? So i started reading light novel and it makes me punched by "now you realize how you suck" gitu deh. It's really different with reading japanese manga with that furigana. Yes furigana made me a spoiled girl and now that they are gone i'm being attacked by wild kanji. Kanji, kanji, everywhere.

Now my post is mixed with japanese, english, and bahasa, look at how cool i am (sarcastically smirk, sarcastically doesn't mean it, but well i don't mind your reaction pals, i'm an understanding person :*)

Well... i don't know if you care to know but you know what? UAS is coming. I'm letting a big big sigh now. SIGH. Like, SIGH.

Oh iya, now i'm being involved in a making of short movie with my sisters' friends. I become one of the... cough... how to say this humbly, well... script doer, and my role is a girlfriend of a drug abuser.

And i also submitted some of my writings to Rally the Troops, and they planned to make a second work compilation entitled Tidak Tidak Terbatas. The symbol is the infinity. Cool. Mikikikikih. They are some kind independent community gitu deh.

Ya udah ya.
Dadah.

1

Haruka (Kamiko's Diary) part 1

Tugas teater... here it goes.


Sinar mentari seperti menggoreskan tambahan warna pada dedaunan dan mekar sakura yang rekah. Dari kejauhan bisa kulihat betapa indahnya pohon itu dengan latar langit biru. Pohon sakura yang berdiri sendirian, dahan-dahan yang menjulur pasrah, kelopak bunga yang gugur dengan lembut, cantik.

Sore ini aku datang untuk sekedar duduk di bawah pohon itu seperti biasanya. Aku menyukai waktuku di sana. Ketika aku hampir sampai aku mendengar suara dari balik pohon itu. siapa? pikirku.

Bisa kudengar itu adalah suara isakkan. Karena penasaran aku condongkan kepalaku untuk mencari tahu siapa yang ada dibalik pohon itu.

Ternyata ada seorang gadis. Sepertinya seumuran denganku tapi aku tidak pernah melihatnya sebelumnya. Mungkin ia bukan relasi dari keluarga kami. Seperti yang terdengar ia sedang menangis terisak. Wajahnya berantakan. Kasihan sekali.

kutanya saja dia...

"...aku bukan anak yang berguna."

mengapa ia berpikir seperti itu?

ia menceritakan kepadaku apa yang telah ia alami. Ia sering dipukuli oleh ayahnya. Ayahnya juga sering memukuli ibunya. Mendengarnya aku merasa kesal. Bukankah ayah adalah pelindung keluarga? ayahku selalu bilang begitu.

Jahat sekali ayahnya.

"Jahat?"

Mungkin lebih dari jahat. Memangnya dia salah apa sampai harus dipukuli begitu? ibu juga bilang kita tidak boleh menyakiti orang lain. Dan bukankah semua orang tua harusnya menganggap anaknya itu berharga?

Aku terus mencoba menenangkannya sambil mendongak ke atas untuk memperhatikan sekitar. Ketika kulihat langit mulai gelap aku sadar aku sudah berada di luar terlalu lama. Aku harus pulang.

Ketika aku berdiri anak itu juga ikut mengikutiku berdiri. Ia menatapku malu-malu. Wajahnya berantakan. Saat itu aku baru sadar bahwa ada memar di tangannya. Melihatnya membuatku emosi. Aku tidak suka melihatnya kesakitan begitu. Kalau begini sampai kapan ia akan dipukuli terus? apa dia akan terus menderita? mungkin lebih baik penderitaannya dihapuskan saja. Ayahnya lebih baik hilang saja.

mungkin orang jahat lebih baik mati.

"Eh?"

Aku spontan kaget karena telah menyuarakan pikiranku. Aku berusaha mengalihkan pembicaraan dengan menanyakan namanya. Haruka. Ia bernama Haruka. Aku menyukai namanya. Aku tersenyum padanya kemudian aku bergegas pulang. Kuharap aku bisa bertemu lagi dengannya dan kami bisa berteman baik.

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Very "Me Time"



Current location: Plaza Senayan Jakarta

Ulan sedang berada di tempat ini untuk membeli buku tapi karena sectionnya lagi ditutup sementara sampai sore ulan jadi luntang-lantung. Karena gak ada kerjaan akhirnya makan. Setelah makan waktunya masih aja lama. Akhirnya muter-muter. Abis muter masih lama juga. Rencananya pengen nonton aja, cuma mikirin sayang uangnya mendingan buat beli buku. Eh akhirnya kepake juga buat makan lagi (cuma cemilan kok). Akhirnya balik ke tempat makanan lagi. Waktunya tetap aja masih banyak. Akhirnya buka minna no nihongo. Karena nihongo selalu ada untukmu. Lagi tertarik sama Suzuki-San nih :*

PS: Gak ngarep disusul siapapun kok. Kecuali mau nraktir nonton Godzilla 3D

Ngomong-ngomong karena lagi nganggur let me tell you about sushi (karena abis makan...), tadi ulan baru liat kanji sushi yaitu:

寿司

SUSHI itu kanjinya adalah

寿く [ことぶく (kotobuku)] - to congratule/to wish one well

kanjinya sendiri artinya: Longevity, congratulations, one's natural life

dan

司る [つかさどる (tsukasadoru)] -to rule/to govern/to administer

kanjinya artinya: Director, official, govt office, rule, administer

Entahlah mungkin artinya jadi official of longevity or something. Mungkin semacam ritual longevity. Mungkin makan sushi bikin bisa jadi umur panjang. Mada wakatteimasen. Ya udahlah ya~ ulan mau belajar lagi. Chu.

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Current mood

mood 1


i want an oculus rift.

And throw myself into the Middle Earth and Harry Potter's magic world.

Geez.

Technology is scary.

SAO is going to be true.



mood 2:

i want blogger friends. those who comment my rants and whose rants i comment.

0

Gloomy Sundays

Mom: All you did was dwelling in your room


Me: Right. Well. Would you please tell me to, um, do things next sundays?

Mom: I did. I told you to (can't recall what)

Me: You did? well. I do remember you told me to eat. That's all. So, would you?

The thing is, i hate sundays. Sunday is the day i'm gonna face monday. The day i prepare all things needed for the following week, that, or procrastinating and ruining the mood for whole week. It feels like being the main character of Ningen Shikkaku, or Tony Takitani, or oh my god. I guess i need to rewatch disney princesses.

I don't wanna be like this. I wanna be more... responsible. So after writing this post i'm gonna print my LTM, prepare lesson, and... have a good sleep before 10. So tomorrow i'm not gonna be, hollow, hopefully.

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Can't be more retarded

Ulan: Bi lo kan cowok. Kok wallpapernya tokoh cewek anime gitu sih?


Abiyyu: Ya karena gue cowok.

dan saat itu ulan baru tersadar wallpaper handphone-nya adalah tokoh anime cowok. Baka.

0

Perubahan

Sore ini aku main ke payung gedung satu. Di situ aku bertemu orang yang sudah lama aku kenal. Bertahun-tahun. Aku ke sana cuma untuk mencharge hp-ku, kebetulan sekali ada dia.


Dia adalah kakak kelasku saat SMP. Saat ini dia seniorku yang beda jurusan. Prodi Indonesia.

Setelah beberapa menit kami ngobrol ia mengatakan betapa anehnya tahu-tahu kami sudah ada di sana. Di universitas yang sama. Setelah tak sengaja kenal di SMP, tak bertemu di SMA, dan bertemu lagi di jenjang selanjutnya.

Aku ingat pertama kali melihatnya dulu. Pagi hari. Dia punya senyum yang hangat dan meskipun sekarang penampilannya jadi terlihat seram bagi orang-orang, senyumnya tetap sehangat dulu. Waktu MOS SMP ia adalah kakak mentor terganteng (dipilih berdasarkan hasil suara), dan surat cintaku (tugas MOS) dibacakan di tengah lapangan. Aku ingat sebelum berdiri di tengah lapangan ia menyapaku "ini surat siapa?" sambil tersenyum iseng. Cinta pertamanya adalah kakakku, dan yang menuliskan surat cinta itu adalah kakakku, dan bagiku tulisan kakakku sangat khas. Itulah kenyataannya. Dan aku rasa, aku menyukai hal itu.

Teman dekatku sangat menyukainya. Dan karena dia menyukai kakakku, aku cepat akrab dengannya. Kami sering sms-an dan kadang aku merasa ia seperti kakakku, biasanya teman-teman kakakku memang terasa seperti kakakku. 

Kakakku selalu menganggap aku menyukainya, tapi tidak. Entah mengapa. Tapi aku suka puisi yang dia buat. Dan aku sangat menyukai kenangan di mana ia jatuh dari genteng sekolah karena melakukan hal konyol. Dia adalah orang dari masa-masa yang ringan. Ketika aku masih lebih buta lagi akan masalah.

Bertemu dengannya aku jadi mengingat begitu banyak perubahan yang telah terjadi, dan diam-diam, aku yang akhir-akhir ini tidak bisa meneteskan air mata meskipun merasa butuh, menangis dalam hati.

Karena mereka berubah, bukan hanya pergi.

0

Salah Fokus

i have seen

the old gods go
and the new gods come.

day by day
and year by year
the idol falls
and the idols rise.

today
i worship the hammer.
-Carl Sandburg, The Hammer

And i thought of Miley Cyrus licking hammer, as if an act of worship. I laughed hard. I'm sorry, Sandburg.

0

Requoted Quotes

Szas (1973):


"If you believe that you are Jesus, or have discovered a cure for cancer (and have not), or the Communists are after you (and they are not)-then your beliefs are likely to be regarded as symptoms of schizophrenia. But if you believe that the Jews are thr Chosen People, or that Jesus was the Son of God, or that Communism is the only scientifically and morally correct form of government-then your beliefs are likely to be regarded as reflections of who you are: Jew, Christian,  Communist. This is why I think that we will discover the chemical cause of schizophrenia when we will discover the chemical cause of Judaism, Christianity, and Communism. No sooner and no later. (pp. 101-102)

He's got a point. That's all i can say since i am a believer.

2

My name means i'm a living dead

My grandfather is a chinese. My grandmother is a half chinese. My father is a... 3/4 chinese? i am a... whatever.


I am Asri Pratiwi Wulandari, my chinese name is Su Fang Xiang.

蘇 is the character of the family name (Su), in the dictionary, the kanji means to be resuscitated or be revived. Fang Xiang means... something like fragrant flower. So, i am... a... walking dead who smells good(?)

A zombie flower.

Astaga.

No, i, of course, have something more philosophical and less geeky explanation than that (but if i'm trying to make the symbol of zombie flower philosophical, i guess it can be...).

But please call me ulan cause in this country something like Fang is easily altered by this unbelievable society into something like Punk (Pang) and Xiang, well, i'm fine with Ulan.

0

I really wanna live on, to be able to experience the AR-version of game like that on SAO (anime) and enter the world of Harry Potter or Tolkien's middle earth, become a ranger who's born and raised in Rivendell and later i'll receive my throne at Minas Tirith (this is Aragorn...).

0

Today today today

Today when i was about to go home a senpai who often calls me "culun" even if he has the geeky and nerdy look (Sebut saja Suryo), asked me to lend my laptop. So i waited there and talk with Iqbal, Rifqi, and Sho-chan. I showed Iqbal and Rifqi the purikura i just had with the gurls+Ratih yesterday and bragged about  how i feel normal and girly and i'm happy that this is the ultimate evidence that i'm being socially healthy and fine. (cause sometimes i get tired telling people that i'm not a freak, everyone has freakness)


And then i met Safi (Safira) buying gorengan near PSJ. We walked together to the train station. She suddenly talked about our first meeting, she thought i'm judes or something. And then she said "ternyata lo unyu." oh thankyou but i guess since i found me wearing stern expression more often, i guess that part is more dominant.

I also told her about people talking abot her, yeah uhuh. But it's not a bad thing. It's about Safi always having such big and complete meal set. She said she eats often and much, yeah she just bought gorengan for 6.000 whilst i only spent 2.000, 3 for me, 9 for her. She laughed hearing that.

Ah, Safi has the cutest pair of eyes i've ever seen so far.

And i'm typing this just because it's too dark here to read on the book i'm holdig right now. (lagi di angkot)

0

Attractiveness

"People use things other than the face to determine attractiveness (figure, health, character, personality, age), and we can certainly think of times when a symmetrical face would not be judged particularly attractive (Jabba the Hut seemed symmetrical to me, as did Darth Vader, but I wouldn't want my sister to marry either of them." - John Curra, The Relativity of Deviance


Yea, pardon my unattractiveness. Wkwk.


0

Early Morning

Hello, i'm at the faculty's canteen now. On the table there are taberarete shimaimashita bangohan, and book. I'm at ease. Coming early, having to wait, eating breakfast.


Yesterday evening i saw rainbow. I don't really know the range of evening time but since it's dawn and i think eve-ning is the process to become night, it's evening then.

It was cool. The sky was red, and then another color dissipated and it changed into purple. Maybe night is actually blue without shades of light (no, i guess i've heard the scientific explanation for the color of sky). The thing is, it didn't give me any hint of sappy... sappy angst. I was thinking about how cool the red red sky was, and how nice it was to see a rainbow with red, red sky as the background. And some minor thoughts were, scientific explanation, and fantasy-movie-scene imagination. No "it'd be nice if you were here." or "do you also see the same rainbow now?" hmm.

Even though thinking about certain person has already on default program, i guess it's only running on the background. It's getting deeper to the system but it doesn't really affect the current status. Like... i don't know. My analogy is slightly, patheticly geeky, eh...

And even now. I'm at ease. I don't really don't think about certain person but deep inside me i always remember. Like. Why am i confused because i'm not overwhelmed with the idea of sad-romantic-feeling ya?

Hey hey hey i turned to see my bag and there's a cat sleeping on it right now. How. Cute.

Don't mind my rants, ya ;)

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I feel like helped. Today one person talked to me about the book she just read, and she was concerned about me, that she thought she ought to tell me what she read. She thought it's kind of a solution for my problem. Which i told her it's not a problem. She was concerned. About me. When she read something, i came to her mind. Me.


One person called me when i was walking. I turned. She smiled and asked me where i was heading to, and why i was walking alone. We are not close. We barely talk. We haven't had any real talk i guess, besides the discussions we do in classes. Why.

Even though i've been feeling like drawing line recently. Drawing boundary.

And one person waved at me, no matter how many times i failed to reply it. I failed to force a smile. i failed to say hi.

Why, i wonder.

2

Tara

Sore itu, entah kenapa gue membiarkan Tara megang tangan gue (meskipun minta dipijitin sih), meskipun biasanya gue akan protes kalau semacam Nikita dan Tara mau megang tangan gue.


Kami berbicara...

Atau tepatnya gue ngasih tau dia...

"Menurut gue, diri seseorang saat itu dibentuk oleh lingkungannya juga jadi kita gak bisa nyalahin 100% kan? lagian kalau semuanya kayak gitu yang ngebantu dia berubah siapa?"

"Menurut gue tar, orang yang ceria banget itu biasanya malah yang punya masalah itu karena sebenarnya masalah itu yang bikin dia jadi bisa ceria. Soalnya kalau dia sehari-hari nemu masalah kecil dia gak akan mudah protes karena pernah ngerasain yang lebih besar."

Iya. Tara itu ceria banget. Kuat banget. Dan kadang, egosentris banget (gue juga egosentris, kok).

Gue jadi berpikir, pernah sesakit apa, atau sebesar apa masalah yang pernah Tara hadapin sampai masalah yang sekarang gak mempengaruhi ceria-nya dia. Atau gue sangat gak peka karena gak bisa ngeliat kalau sebenarnya dia juga bisa "terganggu"?

Entah sejak kapan gue jadi takut kalau sebenarnya orang yang ceria terus dan kuat itu sebenarnya dalam hati memohon supaya ada orang yang liat sebenarnya dia gak baik-baik aja, tapi dia punya pride yang tinggi untuk nunjukin kelemahannya itu.

Gue gak tau Tara kayak gitu atau nggak, sih.

Gue sendiri rasanya pernah bete sama Tara. Itu wajar. Karena kami bersosialisasi. Gue rasa kalau gue gak pernah bete sama dia justru berarti gue gak peduli.

Gue gak tau apakah akan ada orang yang kenal gue dan Tara baca posting ini, tapi intinya gue cuma mau gue dan orang-orang sedikit mengurangi demand untuk dimengerti dan meskipun melelahkan dan menjengkelkan, menambah tugas untuk mengertinya.

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Two

電話中…


Papa: *protes tentang teteh dan dede

Ulan: "Ulan nurut kok pa."

Papa: "Ah kamu. Iya tapi kamu terlalu cuek."

Menyeh...

Ulan ini tipe orang yang terkadang susah sekali untuk menyampaikan afeksi. Kadang mau nyebut kata yang berawalan dari "c" itu aja syusyah. Ulan syusyah bilang "Ulan sayang mama." atau "Ulan sayang papa." dan susah untuk bilang "Papa udah makan?" atau "Papa sehat?". Biasanya nanya papa udah makan itu:

"Pa kok gak ada makanan?"
"Iya gak masak. Emang kamu belum makan?"
"Udah. Nanya doang. Lah terus papa makan apa?"
"Tadi beli."

itu salah satu dialog suatu sore sepulang kuliah. Jangan heran ya -_- kami beda rumah soalnya.

"Kamu mah gak pernah nelepon. Tanyain kek papa sehat nggak, gitu. Atau papa udah makan apa belum. basa-basi kek."

Papa harusnya paling tau anaknya gak bisa basa-basi. Saking gak bisa basa-basinya jadi inget dulu pas debate gak bisa ngomong lama karena males nambah-nambahin inti argumen yang menurut gue udah cukup untuk nge-tackle argumen lawan. Sigh.

"Kamu mah jarang dateng kesini."

Ya gimana. Kuliah dijemputnya sama suami mama, atau sebut saja W-San. Tinggal sama mama. Kalau pulang udah sore. Harus langsung ngerjain tugas.

Pengen sih nunjukin gak cuek. Abisnya nanti papa ngerasa kesepian atau gimana. Tapi repotnya mama kayaknya kadang suka jealous.

"Kamu dari papa?"
"Iya."
"Ngapain?"
"Disuruh beli obat."
"Naik sepeda?"
"Uhuh."
"Lah kan dari sana lebih deket ke apotek dibanding dari sini ke sana terus ke apotek. Emang (insert papa's wife's name here, atau sebut saja N-San) gak ada?"
"Ada... ulan juga bingung. Tapi kayaknya papa cuma mau diperhatiin aja. Mau ngasih tau anaknya kalau papa lagi sakit. Papa kan gengsian." (gue ngerti karena gue mewarisi tendensi gengsian ini.)
mama diem sebentar... ah, kan...
"Kenapa ma?"
"Nggak. Mama mikir aja kalau mama yang sakit kamu akan gitu apa nggak."
"Ya kan kita satu rumah, ma."
aduh.

Dan lucunya i can see parts of me yang ada di mereka berdua.

Terus pernah dua-duanya...

"Sekali-sekali lebaran di Jakarta sih lan. Sama papa."

Jadi semenjak papa sama mama pisah, gue lebih sering lebaran sama mama di kampung. Kakak sama adik gue juga. Jadi papa lebaran sama istri dan keluarga istrinya (soalnya keluarga papa yang di Jakarta non muslim kebanyakan). Kayaknya tiga tahun yang lalu, gue memutuskan untuk lebaran sama papa.

Mama ngambek.

Pas ditelepon...

"Ma, minal..."

"Halo ulan? oh iya minal aidin walfaidzin. Ya udah ya <pip>"

Siapa yang gak syok coba digituin. Tapi akhirnya mama nelepon dan ngasih tau sebenarnya mama sedih gue gak ada di sana. Ya gimana...

Makanya kalau gak bisa membuat salah satu pihak tidak jealous lebih baik diam. Bukannya cuek. Repot sih, tapi lucu juga ngeliat mereka kayak gitu. Jadi gak kayak orang dewasa.

W-San juga suka jealous. Banget. W-San gak ngebolehin papa dan mama saling kontak meskipun untuk nanyain misalnya seputar masalah adik gue. N-San pun suka jealous, waktu itu gue pasang display picture gue, kakak gue, mama, dan papa waktu gue masih kecil dan gue lupa kalau di kontak gue ada N-San. Papa gue nelepon, katanya N-San ngambek.

"Iya tadi katanya, 'ulan gak suka sama mama ya,pa' gitu, dia jadi kepikiran."

waduh. Akhirnya gue jelasin deh...

Ah gue juga suka jealous kok.

"Mama jangan manjain dede dong nanti dia jadi menye-menye."

"Dia kan bisa bikin sendiri, ma."

"Jangan nyuruh-nyuruh mama dong! sana bikin sendiri. Bohong kalau gak bisa. Bukan gak bisa tapi males kan?"

"Mama maunya ulan yang di papa dan dede yang di sini kan?"

gitu.

Meheheheh kalau dipikir-pikir memalukan sih. Gak dewasa banget jealous-jealous kayak gitu. Ya...

Tapi, i'm good. I'm happy that i can learn things from my funny family relationship. Even though it makes me can't really define what family is, it helps me to observe people's feelings, and look at me.

I'm a college student. Not smoking. Not using drugs. Not having a severe social awkwardness. And i think my life is cool, full of fun stories, and i'm grateful.

Jadi kalau kamu keluarganya utuh (kalau dibilang utuh, i have 2 pairs of parents, malah lebih utuh ya wkwk), gak repot mau bilang anak keberapa dari berapa anak, apa pekerjaan orang tua (papa yang de facto atau papa yang de jure nih?), terus kamu suka ngeluh-ngeluhin betapa miserable hidup kamu karena cintanya bertepuk sebelah tangan, betapa pacar kamu suka selingkuh, betapa brengseknya pacar kamu tapi kamu gak bisa ninggalin dia...

ulan siap nonjok muka kamu, kok.

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Yes, the nadir is always the point of state when i can control all the things emotionlessly before beginning to abruptly crumble down.