Affinity and Acceptance

Mau ramai terlalu sepi, mau sepi terlalu berisik, mau penuh dengan kekosongan, mau kosong terlalu penuh, mau terlalu dirasionalkan, mau tidak bisa dirasionalkan, mau butuh, mau dibutuhkan, mau terlalu mengerti, mau terlalu tidak mengerti, yang perlu dilakukan adalah: akseptasi.

Jika memang segalanya diawali oleh afinitas, maka biarkanlah akseptasi yang meneruskannya.

Sore ini di meja tiba-tiba topiknya berubah menjadi: "Apa bedanya suka dan cinta?"

Katanya suka hanya sekedar tertarik bla bla bla bla: afinitas.

Cinta: menerima.

Sesederhana dan serumit itu.

Jadi ketika kita memilih untuk tidak menerima, mencintai itu bisa jadi kita anggap belum diperlukan saat itu. Atau kita ragu-ragu. Atau memang bukan untuk di kasus yang itu.

Dan ketika kita memilih untuk menerima, tanggung resikonya. Bijaksanalah dalam memilih (ngomong ke diri sendiri :/) dan jangan setengah-setengah.

Saya berpikir ketika saya merasa bisa melakukan akseptasi, saya akan mengabaikan kemungkinan bahwa pilihan itu bisa dibatalkan. Bahwa tidak ada jalan lain selain memelihara akseptasi itu. Bahwa tidak ada yang salah dengan bertahan. Vice versa.

Asking means wanting to know. Wanting to know means you care. I like it when people elaborate their perspective, when they talk about certain thing with their own point of view. It feels like being invited to a room of their mind. It allows you to know them better.

So i asked some people weird questions, hoping them to give some hints of their way of thinking. Their reasonings can be a way to trace what kind of life they've been living, something they've been through. Knowing it means you have entered the backstage of their show. And it means knowing their struggles, their pains, their problems.

And knowing is not the end of that. After knowing here comes a decision. Do you want to proceed? and if you do it means you decide to care. (Or, this is how it works for me)



Apa itu masalah?

Kalau kita coba jelaskan menggunakan gambar yang ada di atas, masalah adalah jarak.

Masalah adalah jarak antara yang terjadi dan yang diharapkan. Kenyataan dan harapan.

Jarak seringkali pun menjadi masalah.

Masalah sudah pernah menjadi jarak.

Jarak sudah pernah menjadi masalah.

Sekarang kita mau apa?

"Our Sanctuary" Mixtape

1. Utada Hikaru - Dareka no Negai ga Kanau Koro

Now i understand why i kept abusing the replay button for two nights only listening to this song.

2. Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One


3. Ed Sheeran - Photograph


4. Banda Neira - Di Atas Kapal Kertas

[We] thought about what kind of story will a papership, and some paper frogs make. They were tired of jumping so they decided to go on a boat who sails with the wind and have an adventure, they went to many places but then came the rain and they decided to make the ship as cover so that they weren't getting wet. They learned that the best place to go home is the home itself. Other places maybe fun but it's not the place you'll stay at in the end and home is the place where you can be yourself completely.
It was fun.

5. Keira Knightley - Lost Stars


Ada yang menggelitik ketika semuanya mengatakan "keluarga". Ada yang menghilangkan rasa takut akan menjadi overly attached ketika mendengarnya. Ternyata semua merasakan hal yang sama, dan ketika persamaan itu kami sadari, kami menjadi satu. Status keluarga bukanlah hal yang bisa sembarangan diberikan. Keluarga itu tempat pulang. Keluarga adalah orang-orang yang kita percayai, orang-orang yang akan saling tolong-menolong, kasih-mengasihi tanpa syarat. Keluarga.

Untuk kalian keluargaku,
kata yang tak terucap:

Pada malam senja bermuara
Pada ketika kita bermula
Ruang tak pernah bersilangan dengan waktu yang sama
Ketika bukan malam
Ketika tak berfajar

Memijak ketika
Menjunjung cerita
Membelakangi awal mula
Menyongsong muara
Namun padanya kita tak akan pernah tiba

Muara senja boleh datang
Untuk kita tak ada petang
Tak ada malam

Sebenarnya agak aneh karena dapat inspirasinya ketika melihat kaos panitia Muara Senja 2, tapi inilah yang bisa dikatakan pada kalian. Bagi kita tidak ada malam, karena kita sudah pulang.

Tonight's Mixtape

Malam itu muara.
Kental, kaya warna.
Bukan bicara nestapa.

"Lagu apa?"

"Yang enak didenger malem-malem."

"Apa ya?"

"Nih. Lo lagi sama temen-temen lo di taman. Kalian males pulang. Udah tuh nyanyi-nyanyi."

"Lagu lama nih. Tau gak?"

Ne-Yo - So Sick

"A rocket to the moon. Tau gak?"

"Gue lebih suka yang baby blue eyes dibanding yang like we used to."

A Rocket To The Moon - Baby Blue Eyes

"Ih lo harus nyanyiin gue Ed Sheeran yang Photograph sama A Team."

"A Team? Sekarang aja."

Ed Sheeran - A Team

"Lagi pengen nyanyi-nyanyi nih."

"Apa ya? terserah lo mau nyanyi apa."

"Gue gak tau chord-nya John Mayer sih."

"...hoh, Eh John Legend."

"Gue sih agak bosen itu."

"Gue juga."

John Legend - All Of Me


I'm thinking about the world.

Thinking about silence.

Thinking about not talking.

And then focus thinking about not talking. Communicating without talking. Because there are so many misunderstandings. Words hurt. Cut like swords. What we mean doesn't reach yet what we doesn't mean does and it's such a hostile one.

What to do? while listening musics. Particular songs i want to hear right now. They actually describe something i guess. And what they describe is always vague. It's always an open answer, we will understand it if people perceive it differently.

How about whenever people ask me how i feel, how i am, i give them a mixtape?

That sounds nice.

People don't always really need explanation anyway when they ask why you don't look like you are at ease.

Just a postmodern poet

Just got a crush with these poems of Richard Brautigan.
Look what i've brought home from !

"A Cigarette Butt"
A cigarette butt is not a pretty
It is not like the towering trees,
     the green meadows, or the for-
     est flowers.
It is not like a gentle fawn, a
     singing bird, or a hopping
But these are all gone now,
And in the forest's place is a
Blackened world of charred trees
     and rotting flesh—
The remnants of another forrest
A cigarette but is not a pretty

"Moonlight on a Cemetery"
Moonlight drifts from over
A hundred thousand miles
To fall upon a cemetery. 

It reads a hundred epitaphs
And then smiles at a nest of
Baby owls. 

God, all the shit
that is going to be written
     about me
after I am dead. 

I like to think (and

the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.

I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers
as if they were flowers
with spinning blossoms

I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace.

Pretty cute right? :D lovely.

A Struggling ENTP

MBTI doesn't determine what kind of person you are. It's a continuum anyway, the coefisiens you get for each determiner every time you take the test may differ.

I'm an ENTP. It is said that the Sensing-Feeling arena of an ENTP is the least developed area.

The least developed area for the ENTP is the Sensing-Feeling arena. If the Sensing areas are neglected, the ENTP may tend to not take care of details in their life. If the Feeling part of themself is neglected, the ENTP may not value other people's input enough, or may become overly harsh and aggressive.

I can be terribly harsh at times. I often forget about how people might feel when i speak matter of factly. I'm used to think when i talk, not think then talk, and my way of thinking doesn't really concern the-feeling-of-the-person-i'm-talking-to aspect.

But i don't think that's good. Even if at hard times it'd kept me from breaking apart.

Maybe i'll always be an ENTP, who's prone to use less feeling. But i don't wanna lose balance. I don't wanna be extremely senseless and emotionless. I know i'm not a good person but i do wanna change. I really wanna change.

I wanna be someone who cares about people, i wanna be someone less-egocentric, but not with changing who i am.

At this point i think changing is not the right word. I'm teaching my self to be better.

Have you seen the tagline on my blog? quotes from BMTH's song:

"I can't drown my demons they know how to swim."

I can't kill my demons, i can't turn them into heavenly creatures, but who knows whether i can teach them to be more humane?


PS: I talk much about MBTI, heh? it's fascinating.

Sorry not sorry

I'd been feeling sorry for not being able to be overwhelmed by feeling. I'd been feeling sorry for being in control. I'd been blaming myself for being okay. I was afraid that i was getting more emotionless, the usual defense mechanism. But then i always thought, i knew all along i always thought, not felt. I thought i was sad, i thought i had to, i thought i need to talk things over. I was afraid that i didn't really feel so.

I was denying my own self.

I was trying to conquer my NT side.

I was trying to seize my ego.

I was trying not to speak so matter of factly.

I was trying to do more than exchanging thoughts and arguments.

But that what makes me okay. That's what keeps me away from sadness. That's why i can be strong. It's the way i am. I can care and not care about things at the same time. I can show that i'm sad and then not feeling anything bad the hour later. I have this kind of control that avoids me to be very messed up inside.

And i don't want to deny myself just because i think i need to feel sad. That if i'm not sad it means i'm the bad guy. No, life is not like a movie where there should be someone to blame. The hated. The bad guy.

And i'm telling you here, when you focus less on your own feeling you can start thinking about others. How they may be affected by your doings, how things will end up id you do certain things. You're able to be more aware. And it also helps you not to be overwhelmed by anything, feeling, angst.

Look, i'm a super egocentric person who tries to be less egocentric. A person with humongous ego to be ruled upon. It's a long way to go, that's why i feel like someone's breaking down my spirit, blocking my journey when this one only thinks about one's own good. Not thinking about how others might be affected by the deeds.

Sounds like an enemy? i'm neutral though. It's hard to really hate anyone.

Yes i'm not sad.
I'm good.
I'm being okay.
So what?
I'm heartless?
I'm just strong.

Tear Jerking Moment

"Say something i'm giving up on you."

It's like:

I don't wanna give up,
So you too don't give up.
I don't wanna leave,
so you too, don't leave.

Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera
For you guys who feel like giving up, who can't hold on anymore...
but please, hold on.


On the last post i mentioned "Ghost Story" right? i remember this team building sleepover i attended, say... 1-2 weeks ago. We did this "write your first impression about your friend." I got some... some comments on my physical appearance, and some weird comment like:

"hantu" (ghost)

ghost, this one said.

I don't know what makes this one have this kind of impression on me.

I'm not angry nor feeling insulted, i'm just curious.

And then this song.

And then i feel like a ghost.


Coldplay's Ghost Stories

Some days ago i went for a little me time. Going to the mall alone, window shopping, bought stuff, enjoyed the drizzle, that day i stumbled upon Coldplay's latest album that was released on May 2014.

I'm not good at giving comments for music i guess, i can only say that the songs are easy to listen, and they mostly talk about broken love but the music is so soothing it doesn't corroborate the broken feeling inside you unlike those tear jerking love songs you listen to so that you can dramatize and hurt yourself like you like it so much, are you masochistic? (ew that's harsh... i'm not being serious here haha)

Here are my favorites:

True Love, Ghost Story, O, Oceans

Listening to these songs makes me wanna embrace all the brokens. To tell them i feel them (not really though), to tell them they are not alone, to stay with them in the cold night watching the electric fireflies wander around the city.

1. True Love

The fourth song in the album. With all my subjectivity i love this song because i ever felt this way:

For a second, I was in control

I had it once, I lost it though

Just because letting the feeling flows and takes control, i became stupid and then failed. Even if this song doesn't really represent what i feel especially now, some lines represent what i ever felt. Like unfinished puzzle. It shows something but you can't get the complete picture because there are these missing pieces. And i just like how the song begs "lie to me" serenely. Like it's really fine to.

2. O
I simply love the song. The music. I can listen to this song and sleep away. Fly on.

3. Ghost Story
Me loves this song.This song is sarcastic. Hahaha.

When you don't believe

I'm here?What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

4. Oceans
 If they said this album revolves around a central theme of "opening yourself up to love" then this one sings about opening yourself up to the unavoidable tendency of being broken. Like, when you have opened yourself up to love that means at that second you think you are ready to be broken. That when the time comes, you'll be ready. It will still hurt, though but it's okay. Cause you've known all along.

And then i remember Viva La Vida. And now i'm thinking how different these songs are to Viva La Vida. But i still love them.

I recommend these songs for those who want to shoo their broken heart pain away and sleep. These songs are relaxing. Your friend who listens to your sobbing without demanding any explanations. Your wind to fly to the night sky.

Good night.

(and i just realized that it's 00.15 already geez)

4 hari

Hari ini seharian saya bangun-tidur-bangun-tidur hanya demi melanjutkan mimpi. Anehnya, mimpinya benar-benar berlanjut secara linear. Ini menyenangkan! aku jadi seperti punya dunia sendiri ketika terlelap. Bukan hal baru bagiku, sih. Tapi 4 hari ini aku sedang memimpikan orang yang sama terus-terusan, padahal orangnya tidak spesial. Tapi bagiku yang di mimpi, dia jadi spesial. Aneh. Saat bangun perasaan spesial itu tidak ikut terbawa.


"Kok lama?"

"Aku nunggu kamu."

"Aku juga nunggu kamu. Hahaha. Berarti kita nunggu kita."

Sesuatu yang menarik

Sesuatu yang menarik:

"Cinta dapat dilukiskan dengan memberi, bukan meminta, sebagai dorongan mulia untuk menyatakan eksistensi dirinya atau aktualisasi dirinya kepada orang lain." - Dr. M. Munamdar Soelaeman di "Ilmu Budaya Dasar (Suatu Pengantar)" halaman 70.

(terlalu malas untuk mengikuti prosedur mengutip yang baik)

Reaksi di dalam otak:

Maka janganlah kamu meminta-minta keberadaan orang yang kamu bilang kamu cintai dengan rasa cintamu sebagai alasannya. Karena cinta akan mengerti bahwa waktu perlu kamu berikan untuknya, dan pabila orang yang dicintai tak membalasnya maka bukan berarti cinta yang gagal, kandas, melainkan keinginannya. Sungguh itu adalah hal yag berbeda.


Kenyataannya gak gitu. Manusia lelah mencintai dengan cara seperti itu maka dari itu mereka menaruh komitmen. Semacam perjanjian pertukaran. Mematerikan kasih sayang.

"Aku aja mikirin kamu terus."

"Aku udah sering ngertiin kamu. Kamu juga harus ngertiin aku dong."

The Book Thief

After watching "The Book Thief" i read the e-book. It's a novel written by Markus Zusak about a girl named Liesel Maminger and the story is told by Death.

When Death tells a story yo must listen.

The story takes place in Germany when Hitler reigned. Now i can't count how many Hitler-era movies i have watched...

Death encountered Liesel for some times because her close ones seem to always leave her that way. Her brother, and later... them. (i mustn't spoil the story)

The characters are so lovable. Liesel herself, her Papa, Rudy, Max, even her yelling Mama. They are so warm and affectionate. This movie tells you to be human. That sometimes you have to do something just because you have to, and you don't need to say "i shouldn't have". We need to embrace our humanity.

And as yo go along with the movie you'll find many interesting quotes (or at least i think that way)... #what

After reading some pages of the book i found that some images are depicted differently in the movie but i'm not disturbed by that. Like, i didn't see the Papa smoke in the movie but in the book he does smoke.

And then i told my brother to watch it and i told him we're gonna make a movie research club. In which we don't only watch. But also blab about the movie.

Tadi di perjalanan pulang saat langit memalam aku membaca koran yang kubeli pagi ini dan kusimpan di dalam tas sepanjang hari. Aku membacanya dari belakang kecuali halaman tentang olahraga. Di halaman keberapa ada foto kampus kita, bahkan artikel tentangnya. Tentang perpustakaannya. Katanya tempat itu nyaman. Ruang terbuka dan semacamnya.

Tidak ada yang memikirkan tempat yang seperti kolam cahaya matahari itu.

Tidak ada tentang tempat yang dinaungi penangkal air yang seadanya.

Mana ada yang tahu tentang mati lampu.

Hari pendidikan.

Ngomong-ngomong hari ini aku lagi-lagi tahu aku tak bisa-bisa lari.

Tak mau.


Can you feel my heart?

"I'm scared to get close

but i hate being alone
i long for that feeling to not feel at all
the higher i get
the lower i'll sink
i can't drown my demons they know how to swim." - Oliver Sykes (Bring Me The Horizon - Can you feel my heart)

Talk about being sentimental. Where's heart? it is soul that we are talking about? nothing about heart. Not its dwelling place.

Turning 18~

I never expected that someone would bother to arrange a birthday surprise for me. But i got two. How sweet of them.

The first one i got on the very day on May 22nd,

it was initiated by Mas Ari. When i was eating gado-gado at recess suddenly Vella and Janette came with a cheesecake and candles.

And then yesterday, during theatre exercise (?) suddenly there came a cake once again~

which was initiated by Niko, the head of niyaniya theatre club.

I also got presents from my family TT_TT and they are stuffs i really need. Meh. Kya.

This is the first time i got such birthday surprise :') mimimimiw

I'm really thankful to God, and to you guys, especially Mas Ari and Niko yang mau repot-repot buat ulan yang cuma sebongkah potato.

Ulan sayang kalian~


Someone told me that my name "ulan" in tagalog means "rain". I just love that very much. And i love rain, i really do. It's just that sometimes love can ruin your day, just like rain (alasan banget).

Now you can start calling me rain...

"Hi. Sup, rain?"

"Hi rain, i love you."

Apaan sih lan...

Light Novel O Yondeiru



私が今読んでいるライトノベルはカゲロウデイズ-the deceivingだ。好きな本を読みながら漢字を勉強することは楽しみ。

Aduh itu di atas... Entahlah apa itu grammatically correct. Well at least i tried right? right? right? So i started reading light novel and it makes me punched by "now you realize how you suck" gitu deh. It's really different with reading japanese manga with that furigana. Yes furigana made me a spoiled girl and now that they are gone i'm being attacked by wild kanji. Kanji, kanji, everywhere.

Now my post is mixed with japanese, english, and bahasa, look at how cool i am (sarcastically smirk, sarcastically doesn't mean it, but well i don't mind your reaction pals, i'm an understanding person :*)

Well... i don't know if you care to know but you know what? UAS is coming. I'm letting a big big sigh now. SIGH. Like, SIGH.

Oh iya, now i'm being involved in a making of short movie with my sisters' friends. I become one of the... cough... how to say this humbly, well... script doer, and my role is a girlfriend of a drug abuser.

And i also submitted some of my writings to Rally the Troops, and they planned to make a second work compilation entitled Tidak Tidak Terbatas. The symbol is the infinity. Cool. Mikikikikih. They are some kind independent community gitu deh.

Ya udah ya.

Haruka (Kamiko's Diary) part 1

Tugas teater... here it goes.

Sinar mentari seperti menggoreskan tambahan warna pada dedaunan dan mekar sakura yang rekah. Dari kejauhan bisa kulihat betapa indahnya pohon itu dengan latar langit biru. Pohon sakura yang berdiri sendirian, dahan-dahan yang menjulur pasrah, kelopak bunga yang gugur dengan lembut, cantik.

Sore ini aku datang untuk sekedar duduk di bawah pohon itu seperti biasanya. Aku menyukai waktuku di sana. Ketika aku hampir sampai aku mendengar suara dari balik pohon itu. siapa? pikirku.

Bisa kudengar itu adalah suara isakkan. Karena penasaran aku condongkan kepalaku untuk mencari tahu siapa yang ada dibalik pohon itu.

Ternyata ada seorang gadis. Sepertinya seumuran denganku tapi aku tidak pernah melihatnya sebelumnya. Mungkin ia bukan relasi dari keluarga kami. Seperti yang terdengar ia sedang menangis terisak. Wajahnya berantakan. Kasihan sekali.

kutanya saja dia...

"...aku bukan anak yang berguna."

mengapa ia berpikir seperti itu?

ia menceritakan kepadaku apa yang telah ia alami. Ia sering dipukuli oleh ayahnya. Ayahnya juga sering memukuli ibunya. Mendengarnya aku merasa kesal. Bukankah ayah adalah pelindung keluarga? ayahku selalu bilang begitu.

Jahat sekali ayahnya.


Mungkin lebih dari jahat. Memangnya dia salah apa sampai harus dipukuli begitu? ibu juga bilang kita tidak boleh menyakiti orang lain. Dan bukankah semua orang tua harusnya menganggap anaknya itu berharga?

Aku terus mencoba menenangkannya sambil mendongak ke atas untuk memperhatikan sekitar. Ketika kulihat langit mulai gelap aku sadar aku sudah berada di luar terlalu lama. Aku harus pulang.

Ketika aku berdiri anak itu juga ikut mengikutiku berdiri. Ia menatapku malu-malu. Wajahnya berantakan. Saat itu aku baru sadar bahwa ada memar di tangannya. Melihatnya membuatku emosi. Aku tidak suka melihatnya kesakitan begitu. Kalau begini sampai kapan ia akan dipukuli terus? apa dia akan terus menderita? mungkin lebih baik penderitaannya dihapuskan saja. Ayahnya lebih baik hilang saja.

mungkin orang jahat lebih baik mati.


Aku spontan kaget karena telah menyuarakan pikiranku. Aku berusaha mengalihkan pembicaraan dengan menanyakan namanya. Haruka. Ia bernama Haruka. Aku menyukai namanya. Aku tersenyum padanya kemudian aku bergegas pulang. Kuharap aku bisa bertemu lagi dengannya dan kami bisa berteman baik.

Very "Me Time"

Current location: Plaza Senayan Jakarta

Ulan sedang berada di tempat ini untuk membeli buku tapi karena sectionnya lagi ditutup sementara sampai sore ulan jadi luntang-lantung. Karena gak ada kerjaan akhirnya makan. Setelah makan waktunya masih aja lama. Akhirnya muter-muter. Abis muter masih lama juga. Rencananya pengen nonton aja, cuma mikirin sayang uangnya mendingan buat beli buku. Eh akhirnya kepake juga buat makan lagi (cuma cemilan kok). Akhirnya balik ke tempat makanan lagi. Waktunya tetap aja masih banyak. Akhirnya buka minna no nihongo. Karena nihongo selalu ada untukmu. Lagi tertarik sama Suzuki-San nih :*

PS: Gak ngarep disusul siapapun kok. Kecuali mau nraktir nonton Godzilla 3D

Ngomong-ngomong karena lagi nganggur let me tell you about sushi (karena abis makan...), tadi ulan baru liat kanji sushi yaitu:


SUSHI itu kanjinya adalah

寿く [ことぶく (kotobuku)] - to congratule/to wish one well

kanjinya sendiri artinya: Longevity, congratulations, one's natural life


司る [つかさどる (tsukasadoru)] -to rule/to govern/to administer

kanjinya artinya: Director, official, govt office, rule, administer

Entahlah mungkin artinya jadi official of longevity or something. Mungkin semacam ritual longevity. Mungkin makan sushi bikin bisa jadi umur panjang. Mada wakatteimasen. Ya udahlah ya~ ulan mau belajar lagi. Chu.

Gloomy Sundays

Mom: All you did was dwelling in your room

Me: Right. Well. Would you please tell me to, um, do things next sundays?

Mom: I did. I told you to (can't recall what)

Me: You did? well. I do remember you told me to eat. That's all. So, would you?

The thing is, i hate sundays. Sunday is the day i'm gonna face monday. The day i prepare all things needed for the following week, that, or procrastinating and ruining the mood for whole week. It feels like being the main character of Ningen Shikkaku, or Tony Takitani, or oh my god. I guess i need to rewatch disney princesses.

I don't wanna be like this. I wanna be more... responsible. So after writing this post i'm gonna print my LTM, prepare lesson, and... have a good sleep before 10. So tomorrow i'm not gonna be, hollow, hopefully.


Sore ini aku main ke payung gedung satu. Di situ aku bertemu orang yang sudah lama aku kenal. Bertahun-tahun. Aku ke sana cuma untuk mencharge hp-ku, kebetulan sekali ada dia.

Dia adalah kakak kelasku saat SMP. Saat ini dia seniorku yang beda jurusan. Prodi Indonesia.

Setelah beberapa menit kami ngobrol ia mengatakan betapa anehnya tahu-tahu kami sudah ada di sana. Di universitas yang sama. Setelah tak sengaja kenal di SMP, tak bertemu di SMA, dan bertemu lagi di jenjang selanjutnya.

Aku ingat pertama kali melihatnya dulu. Pagi hari. Dia punya senyum yang hangat dan meskipun sekarang penampilannya jadi terlihat seram bagi orang-orang, senyumnya tetap sehangat dulu. Waktu MOS SMP ia adalah kakak mentor terganteng (dipilih berdasarkan hasil suara), dan surat cintaku (tugas MOS) dibacakan di tengah lapangan. Aku ingat sebelum berdiri di tengah lapangan ia menyapaku "ini surat siapa?" sambil tersenyum iseng. Cinta pertamanya adalah kakakku, dan yang menuliskan surat cinta itu adalah kakakku, dan bagiku tulisan kakakku sangat khas. Itulah kenyataannya. Dan aku rasa, aku menyukai hal itu.

Teman dekatku sangat menyukainya. Dan karena dia menyukai kakakku, aku cepat akrab dengannya. Kami sering sms-an dan kadang aku merasa ia seperti kakakku, biasanya teman-teman kakakku memang terasa seperti kakakku. 

Kakakku selalu menganggap aku menyukainya, tapi tidak. Entah mengapa. Tapi aku suka puisi yang dia buat. Dan aku sangat menyukai kenangan di mana ia jatuh dari genteng sekolah karena melakukan hal konyol. Dia adalah orang dari masa-masa yang ringan. Ketika aku masih lebih buta lagi akan masalah.

Bertemu dengannya aku jadi mengingat begitu banyak perubahan yang telah terjadi, dan diam-diam, aku yang akhir-akhir ini tidak bisa meneteskan air mata meskipun merasa butuh, menangis dalam hati.

Karena mereka berubah, bukan hanya pergi.

Salah Fokus

i have seen

the old gods go
and the new gods come.

day by day
and year by year
the idol falls
and the idols rise.

i worship the hammer.
-Carl Sandburg, The Hammer

And i thought of Miley Cyrus licking hammer, as if an act of worship. I laughed hard. I'm sorry, Sandburg.

Requoted Quotes

Szas (1973):

"If you believe that you are Jesus, or have discovered a cure for cancer (and have not), or the Communists are after you (and they are not)-then your beliefs are likely to be regarded as symptoms of schizophrenia. But if you believe that the Jews are thr Chosen People, or that Jesus was the Son of God, or that Communism is the only scientifically and morally correct form of government-then your beliefs are likely to be regarded as reflections of who you are: Jew, Christian,  Communist. This is why I think that we will discover the chemical cause of schizophrenia when we will discover the chemical cause of Judaism, Christianity, and Communism. No sooner and no later. (pp. 101-102)

He's got a point. That's all i can say since i am a believer.

My name means i'm a living dead

My grandfather is a chinese. My grandmother is a half chinese. My father is a... 3/4 chinese? i am a... whatever.

I am Asri Pratiwi Wulandari, my chinese name is Su Fang Xiang.

蘇 is the character of the family name (Su), in the dictionary, the kanji means to be resuscitated or be revived. Fang Xiang means... something like fragrant flower. So, i am... a... walking dead who smells good(?)

A zombie flower.


No, i, of course, have something more philosophical and less geeky explanation than that (but if i'm trying to make the symbol of zombie flower philosophical, i guess it can be...).

But please call me ulan cause in this country something like Fang is easily altered by this unbelievable society into something like Punk (Pang) and Xiang, well, i'm fine with Ulan.