Cold Rain

I was frozen to the core and was numb that whatever came to my sense didn't affect me much. And then you came and melted the icicle that had been dwelling inside my void. Learning about your warmth makes me realize that people can be very cold and this place feels like a gigantic refrigerator. Sometimes being with them gives me this chill and all i want to do is to cling to you and i'll just let my sense meet your touch, and warmth,and i'll wish for catastrophe to occur so that we have reason to stay together, if not for the time to stop which is more unlikely.

Even if i'm not the first and the only one who's learned about that warmth, i'm happy now it is mine. How i want to be drowned in the abundance, to be enveloped by it, so that i don't have to get in contact with chill anymore.

It's raining and it's cold. And the distance that's hanging, so close yet so faraway.

You told me a couple days ago that you wanted to be in the open field, just the two of us. Beneath the sky. You, laying on the ground with your head resting on my lap. It must be nice, that way. Far from troubles like: exam, anxiety about our future, sad probability, cold people, stupid people. All we can do are embracing each others' feeling, pretending that the time has stopped, chilling, keeping each other company, staying.

It must be nice, eh? very nice. If it could be used as an analogy of how i love you, i could say that i love you that way.

me and my very own heater (?)

Mixtape: Cold Rain

AKMU - Melted
The Milo - For All The Dreams That Wings Could Fly
Epik High ft. Younha - Umbrella



cause you know that i can't do this on my own - Bring Me The Horizon

Nyiii

"Cewek bodoh."

(Kemal sedang melihat tingkah Cinta)

"Kenapa kutipannya yang ini sih?"

(Kemal melihat review yang kutipannya adalah dialog Cinta yang masalah wawancara)

-Kemal Fauzan

Kami sedang berada di sudut ruangan kebun apel sore ini. Tadinya kami ingin ke tempat kami, tapi kami sedang butuh colokan karena kami butuh menyalakan laptop masing-masing. Selama berjam-jam itu isinya adalah Kemal nonton AADC untuk bahan review film Indonesia dengan bahasa Korea, saya baca paper tentang Haruki Murakami, kami makan es krim bersama, kami mendengarkan musik bersama-sama, kami ngomongin orang (duh...), dan kami mengobrol soal masalah yang dihadapi bangsa berhubungan dengan alam (kalau kata Jepang mah, 風土, manusia dipengaruhi oleh 風土). Tahu-tahu jam tujuh. Saya harus pulang. Kami jalan ke stasiun kemudian saya naik kereta dan Kemal naik bis dari sana.

"I'm okay."

"If you are really okay you would not  try to hold your body with your arms like that."

What did we talk about? A promise. I initiated the topic.

U: "About the promise you asked me to make yesterday, i made up my mind on the way home. I can do that. But remember, if in the future i don't... that doesn't mean i break my promise. That simply means i can't, or i'm still trying."

he shed a tear.

he shed a what?

what?

K: "It welled my eyes when you said if you don't..."

What is it that we were talking about? About the probability of our bitter future. That because of cultural thingy, we might...

And i couldn't promise him that if it is really going to happen i can find someone else.
The present me is not sure about that, but i don't know whether the future me will be.
It's just to good, the thing between us.

K: "Thinking about you like that, and it's because of me..."

U: "It's not because of you if it turns out like that. It means i'm being stupid, nonsense."

K: "But if you dated someone else instead of me you might not think that way."

U: "Nonsense. There are lots of people in this world and there's this tendency that we will date only the person who fits our ideal. It's gonna be the same way." i didn't know whether i was lying to myself or to him.

K: "No."

U: "It's not your fault if it has to turn out like that."
K: "It is."
And then he started to make analogies. I always like his analogies. They make sense and so related to the matters we discussed. I was amazed.

U: "I always love your analogies. It's so much better than your metaphors."

We really jumped on topics. I guess it's because of me, my wandering mind, and he's always okay with that. Like, he would listen to my rants about social degradation, my angst towards people, my vision, my stupid ideals. Duh :"

And he would rub my hand while listening to me. Or pat my head. Duh.

Saya jadi butuh.

Mata Sastra di SosPol Day FIB UI

Jumat malam tanggal 12 Desember,
Mata Sastra membawakan deklamasi puisi di acara SOSPOL DAY yang diselenggarakan oleh BEM FIB UI. Kami tampil di temaram malam setelah film senyap diputar.

Dibuka oleh panglima kami, Dudung Abdul Moelki.

  

 Lalu diawali dengan pembacaan puisi Rendra oleh Adi.


Lalu pembacaan puisi oleh saya yang diiringi oleh alunan gitar Cipaw dan disusul nyanyian oleh Nabi.





Lagu yang kami bawakan adalah "Di Udara" oleh Efek Rumah Kaca.

Sayang tidak ada Katya ._.

Btw, actually we kinda messed up because we didn't have sufficient rehearsal ._. but we laughed anyway since we were together. We thought, we can learn from our mistakes. It's my 4th time doing this kind of declamation but i don't think i've made significant improvement, so i guess that's gonna be my concern from now on.

After that we stayed and discussed about our vision, how we really want to build our home, Mata Sastra.

We got companions too btw... Cipa, Dea, and... Kemal!

Bonus:

Panglima kami. Yang mewujudkan mimpi saya membangun kembali rumah saya yang sempat rubuh. Yang dibalik keademannya ternyata bisa carut-marut juga, hihihi.

Saya dan Cipaw. Yang tiba-tiba kami sudah jadi duo aja. Yang kostannya sering saya tumpangi. Yang sering butuh puk-puk. Orang kedua yang saya ajak ke sanctuary. Nada dari kata bagi saya. Uwuwuwu.

My favorite man in the entire world. Yes, even after Murakami, Sapardi, and Hitler. The one who keeps reminding to be a better person.

Pardon the shift from bahasa-english-bahasa ya ._.

Final Exam Syndrome, and stuffs

Today after class i walked straight to Payung Gedung I cause K texted me that he was there. And then i saw him sleeping with my jacket covering his face (today i wore his and he wore mine :3). I approached him and read the excerpt of Romeo and Juliet:


This violent delights have violent ends.
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder.
Which as they kiss, consume.

and then he opened his eyes. I sat and let him sleep on my lap while i continued to read Romeo and Juliet. He asked me what i was reading and i told him it was Shakespeare.

"You know what? I think it's not good for me to detest something so much."
"Why?"
"I didn't like Shakespeare, especially Romeo and Juliet. But it's the only play whose lines stuck in my head."
"Why didn't you like Romeo and Juliet?"
"I don't know. Read it once and didn't like it. But now i'm starting to like it."
"..."
"Why. I wonder if it's also because of the change."

I told him that i was in the mood to read stuffs, and then he said it's so typical. My typical syndrome when final exam is coming. And then i realized... yes. That explains... So there's this habit of me getting curious about everything else in the world which is not involved with exam when final exam is on its way. That's why i always learn my lessons long before the exam... so that when that syndrome comes it will not really causes harm. :/

Patting his head, looking up, i sort of remembered about Kahlil Gibran's poetry and started to read the first line.

"What did you say?"
"A poetry."
"What poetry?"
"Kahlil Gibran's."

and then i just went on reading it.

Berkatalah Almitra : bicaralah kepada kami perihal cinta.
diangkatnya kepala dan disapukannya pandangan kepada pendengarnya.
suasana hening meliputi mereka, maka terdengar lantang ia bertutur kata :

Pabila cinta memanggilmu maka ikutilah dia,
walau jalannya terjal berliku liku,
dan pabila sayapnya merangkulmu, pasrahlah
serta menyerah, walau pedang tersembunyi di sela sayap itu melukaimu.
dan jika dia berbicara kepadamu, percayalah, walau ucapannya membuyarkan mimpimu,
bagai angin utara mengobrak abrik pertamanan.

sebab sebagaimana cinta memahkotaimu, demikian pula dia menyalibmu.
demi pertumbuhanmu begitu pula demi pemangkasanmu.
sebagaimana dia membubung, mengecup puncak puncak ketinggianmu,
membelai mesra ranting ranting terlembut yang bergetar dalam cahaya matahari,
demikian pula dia menghujam kedasar akarmu,
mengguncang guncangnya dari ikatanmu dengan tanah.

laksana butir butir gandum kau diraihnya
ditumbuknya kau sampai polos telanjang,
diketamnya kau, agar bebas dari kulitmu.
digosoknya, sehingga menjadi putih bersih,
diremas remasnya menjadi bahan yang lemas di bentuk,
dan akhirnya diantarkan kepada api suci,
laksana roti suci yang dipersembahkan pada pesta kudus tuhan.

demikianlah pekerti Cinta atas diri manusia,
supaya kau pahami rahasia hati,
dan kesadaran itu menjadikanmu segumpal hati Kehidupan.

Namun jika dalam kecemasan, hanya kekokohan cinta dan kesenangannya yang kau cari,
maka lebih baiklah bagimu menutupi tubuh.
lalu menyingkir dari papan penempaan, memasuki dunia tanpa musim,
dimana dapat tertawa, namun tidak sepenuhnya.
Tempat kau pun dapat menangis, namun tidak sehabis air mata.

"Cinta tak memberikan apa apa, kecuali keseluruan dirinya,
utuh-penuh, juga tidak mengambil apa apa, kecuali dari cinta itu sendiri.
cinta tidak memiliki ataupun dimiliki
karena cinta telah cukup untuk dicinta".

pabila kau mencinta, janganlah berkata :
"Tuhan ada didalam hatiku,"
tapi sebaiknya engkau merasa :
"Aku berada didalam Tuhan."

pun jangan mengira, bahwa kau dapat menentukan arah jalannya cinta,
karena pabila kau telah dipilihnya, cinta akan menentukan perjalanan hidupmu.

cinta tiada berkeinginan selain mewujudkan maknanya.
namun jika kau mencinta disertai berbagai keinginan, ujudkanlah dia demikian:
meluluhkan diri, mengalir bagaikan sungai,
yang menyanyikan lagu persembahan malam,
mengenali kepedihan kemesraan yang terlalu dalam, merasakan luka
akibat pengertianmu sendiri tentang cinta.
kemudian terlena dengan doa bagi yang tercinta dalam sanubari,
dari sebuah nyanyian puji syukur tersungging senyum dibibir

 It felt nice being together even if it was just for awhile because he had a meeting and i had to go home. When i checked the time and told him that we only had several minutes left he said "I know. That's why..." and we just continued staring, exchanging smiles, until our time ran out. Eh we also talked about this certain post on his instagram that i never noticed back then :/

He wrote:


2014년 8월 30일. (first actual photoblog lol)
Around 25 minutes ago, sitting here, i remembered about our last chat. "I don't even know why i cared lol"
"maybe you cared because its interesting."
"no, you are"
. . . "That's why i can't decide"
. . "but though friendzone (which is beyond my power) is not applied i decide with my own will not to." Here i realised that i enjoy this kind of friendship. Ngobrolin halhal yang ga biasa diobrolin orang-orang, observing you while you talk about your feelings about your certain someone doesn't even bother me. Makin ga bisa menentukan :))

Telling him how it felt like when he said: "No, you are." and then i came to understand something. The reason why i always looked away when there was him, why i couldn't manage to talk to him when people were around, it's because deep down i knew i liked him and i didn't want anyone to find out. I laughed at that realization and he smiled, as if saying "dasar..."

And we talked about that particular place we share. How he often went there secretly hoping that i was there too, why i let him know my very own hiding place to where i always run when i felt like being alone, ah...

"I wonder what it is between us, amongst us, enveloping us, in us?"
"It's because it feels like we fit too much."
"Too much makes it sounds like it's wrong."
"It's just like when you are being lucky for numbers of time, you'll start questioning why."
"For me, it feels like, if i lose this, what am i gonna do? cause it fits this perfectly... how am i gonna find the better?"
and then he touched my arm, as if reminding me that he's not gonna leave.

We stood and walked and parted.

"Seperti yang orang-orang bilang. Takdir."
"To me it speaks about the present. It speaks nothing about the future."

Siapa yang tahu...
Tapi kita yang lakukan. Yang berjalan dan memilih jalan.

Kekerasan Seksual? Apa?

Embedded image permalink

On 8th we were told that Mata Sastra's gonna perform on the SosPol day event that was going to be held on 9th. We were panicked, me and Cipaw, cause we'd been only preparing for our performance on 12th. Urgh. But then it was actually quite easy for us to decide which song we would use and what kind of poetry that i should write. We picked "Selamat pagi, Malam." a song i recommended to Cipaw because of the sweetness of the title and the loveliness of the song itself. It's a soundtrack of an indonesian movie about three women in Jakarta, haven't watched it yet but i really want to. For the poetry, i wrote it while listening to Cipaw playing the song with mitsu (the name of her guitar). I closed my eyes and imagining about a woman in a cold night, thinking about how wrong it could be for a woman to be out in the night while it could be so beautiful in that particular part of the day. The city lights, the chill, the less noisy Jakarta. After writing it, i then realized that i too wrote down my feeling towards rape and the limit we have as women.






It went a little like this:

"Nama saya ulan, dalam bahasa filipina artinya hujan. Syifa artinya obat. Jadi kami hujan yang mengobati..."

After reading the poetry, and Cipaw singing, i decided to stay and K who was accompanying me stayed too to listen to the discussions. Cipaw needed to go cause she had another rehearsals (yes, she is so busy).

We watched some videos and listened to the speaker about sexual violence. Instead of getting involved in the discussion we sort of enjoyed ourselves at the corner discussing alone. Laughed at some feminist remarks (sorry), and criticized stuffs. We had to go before the discussion ended so we stood, filled the questionnaires, and headed to the train station. K accompanied me and took the bus there.

In our opinion, one of the factors why sexual violence keep occurring is nature, but since we are humans we have to gain control, we have to get hold of our nature. That's why to cope with sexual violence actually it's more a matter of humanity than law. Law does control sexual violence but it doesn't have direct implication with it. It's a matter of social construction and morality. Rehumanizing the dehumanized. Dealing with deviations.

I remember about one scary experience i have. I met an exhibitionist once on the way back to school. He showed his genital and ejaculated. It was in angkot. I was frightened, when i arrived home i cried and told my mom about that. Nevertheless, i see him as a victim. A deviation. Pity him in some ways. It may be because it didn't hurt me physically that i can manage to think this way, that actually, what we call violence might be something that we don't like subjectively but by chance we share the same feeling so we made a covenant that control it in order to protect us. Perpetrator is merely a deviance. That one person who doesn't have the same way of feeling, who doesn't share the common sense. The entropy.

But no matter what, we can't say that violence is right. Sexual or not. Even if i know it's nearly impossible to fully erase violence, sexual violence, i hope we still do our best to pursue that goal.

In the rain, under the umbrella

Next week the final exam week is gonna start so i thought skipping a class wouldn't hurt. I was sitting under the umbrella with Cipaw and her guitar, thinking hard about our upcoming performance, she practiced the song and i tried to make a decent piece of poetry to read (God... it's hard.) when K came to join us. The three of us sort of sang randomly about rain, word, and tune and we laughed hard (me and Cipaw) when K did random silly stuffs. K also kept telling us to sing cheerfully cause me and Cipaw frequently plunged ourselves into shady, gloomy mood.

It was drizzling this afternoon. And when the time to go home came me and K walked together to the train station, preparing our goodbye so that it would be easier. I don't know, it's hard to let go when you know you will get the longing feeling (sorry for this cheesy and seems so exaggerating statement).

I just love the things between us. The stories we've made. The things we've done. Even the dramas that seem so attracted to us.

Inertia

Our kind of dialogue:

"You should go." said he.
"I can't." (Read: I don't want to)
"Why?"
"Inertia."
"It can't be justified." and then he helped me to stand.

"Newton's first law of motion states that "An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force." Objects tend to "keep on doing what they're doing." In fact, it is the natural tendency of objects to resist changes in their state of motion. This tendency to resist changes in their state of motion is described as inertia."-physicsclassroom.com

Inertia is a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged. Do you remember the dialogue in "Wake Me Up When September Ends" music video?

"You know, they say life is short. They say you wake up one day and on that day all your dreams, everything you've wished for is gone just like that. People, people get old, you know? and things change and situations change. What I want is; I just, I want this moment right now. This day, my feelings for you, the way you look right now, the way I look at you, I just want this to last forever."

It's not safe and can't be justified to just apply a physics theory onto a social phenomenon, but allow me to use this cute physics term; inertia.

There is this moment when you feel extremely happy that it makes you afraid it's gonna be changed/over and you just don't want it to be. It's just like inertia, there's this reason that makes you want to stay the same but there are these external forces that keep trying to make it unbalanced. Maybe that's why that conversation started, i was feeling extremely happy.

"Is it good to love someone like that? is that being stupid?..." i was referring to Severus Snape. "...when it's like that, is it because of the idea of a beautiful love they believe in or is it that the love is that huge?"

---

"I'm not gonna leave you."
"Stupid."
"..."
"You know what, i have been holding back to say that kind of thing even though there's the feeling because i'm afraid you might think it's not realistic, being stupid, but you said it that easily."


Ah, inertia...

Rain and Umbrella

Friendly Note: The thing is, when i'm into something, i write about it a lot. This sums up the motive/background/reason why i've written some about you-know-what and keep writing about it just like this time. I'm into "us".

This afternoon we went to Ace Hardware to buy a halogen lamp for K's study program's theatre rehearsal. It rained quite hard but not so hard as to soak our clothes. We went straight to Ace cause we had limited time, found the lamp, and went straight to go home, yet it rained harder so we decided to sit on a bench outside the mall. As we sat, waiting for the downpour to stop, K started to sing Epik High's song, umbrella. And then i asked him about usan, the korean word for umbrella. And then we started talking about his nick name, uzan. And how cute it is that my nickname, ulan, means "rain" and his nickname is similar to the word umbrella.

"If i am the rain and you are umbrella, what does it mean?"

"It means we're meant to be."

"Even if rain falls for the sake of life sometimes people don't feel grateful about it cause it disturbs their activities. But with umbrella, they can enjoy the rain and it can give them some times to think about the rain. It feels like you help them to understand me."

If we are really meant to be, what are we meant to be? Sometimes you just forget that being meant to be doesn't always mean you are born to be together or whatever, it can mean something else. We haven't known ourselves of what will become of us cause there are so many years ahead of us to decide whether... What we can say right now is yes we're meant to be. Meant to be together in the time being to know that we have each other, the person who can understand, the mirror...

K also said that sometimes his name is pronounced "ujan" by people, due to the habit of people for being too lazy to pronounce "z" properly. Ujan means rain(Then, are we drops of rain falling down to the earth hoping we can wash away the sins? #what). We really have bunch of things in common that it really feels like dating the different sex type of ourselves :/

Back then, when we only contacted through e-mail and ask.fm and he was still an anonymous being to me, his e-mail address was abandoned.umbrella. It's really cute, these dramas that revolve around us. We can't decide it ourselves whether it's by chance or it's fate.

This might not be relatable but a quote of Bob Marley gushed out in my mind.


You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me.” - Bob Marley 

Do you mind?

We just went to a game center after finishing our activities at campus. Spending time together, we talked about how similar we are. How it feels like we are the different sex version of ourselves. Laughed at how it seems like selfcest. When the time to go home came, we didn't feel like separating just yet. So we decided to walk together, taking the farthest route to the train station and walking with slower pace than our usual. Our goodbyes always needed to be long before we finally separated. While strolling down the sidewalk we sang some songs and made fun of ourselves trying to sing high pitched like Adam Levine, and then I remembered about Maroon 5's she will be loved and started to sing that song.

And then we finally parted at the train station. After finding a spot to sit i reached for my phone and started listening to radio. And then on one of the channels, "She will be loved" was being played. I listened to it and this particular line just stuck in my head.



"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain."

Not minding something that you actually should mind, for me, is one of the stuffs that signify 
love. One of the forms of acceptance. Love is what makes you okay. Love is what makes you grateful of how stuffs are the way they are. (this sounds heavenly uuuu)



I know where you hide alone in your car 
Know all of the things that make you who you are...
It's not that if you are in love you'll stare at your loved one's window like stalker and just standing there in the rain even though you bring your car from miles away. If you interpret it that way, we aren't talking about love, but stupidity.

Then, does love make you stupid? no. Obsession does. I don't know, for me that particular line shows us about these two things that usually come together without us knowing that it's two whole different things instead of one (love). Obsession is what makes the "I" on the lyrics drive for miles just to spend his time everyday outside his loved one's house in the pouring rain, love is what makes him not minding it. It's okay if it's this way, it's okay that it's that way, i love you, then i don't mind.


Is it okay not minding something that you actually will mind if it's not in the condition where there is love?


<i guess to be continued, still thinking about this 'not minding' thingy>

Lost

Got a knack of getting lost. Body and soul. Most of the times i didn't realize that i was lost because i was too into myself. I guess it's because of this habit that i came to find a private space of mine within the brain. The imagination, the phantasmagoric realm i call "Space". It's a dark place with dusts and dim distant stars, sometimes i also put black hole and solar systems in there. It's easy to go there, i just need to close my eyes. I did this before i slept every night, when i was idle, on the way, it became a hobby. Imagining (later i fond out that my brother too has this kind of habit, in a whole different level, when imagining, he needs to go back and forth and make weird gestures).

What i did in there is rebulding the stories that happened on the day. I would change the plot of them and set the sequence so that it met my ideal. It was fun there. I could be whatever i want, i could do the things i couldn't out there. It's not a very resistant place though, it rained in there sometimes, and all i could do was just wait.

Growing up, i didn't go into there that much. And arrived at the point where i don't go into there at all. I don't really know why, but i know that the Space is still there, it's still within me. And one day, i even found out that i left a part of me there, drowning in chaos but delicately, like sleeping. It was the part of me which i thought i need to protect. The part of me that i hated cause it's too weak. The part of me that i tried to hide. The part of me, the inner me.

Actually, it wasn't me. It wasn't me who found it. There's this person who kept looking even if i looked away, who kept getting closer even if i walked away, who kept digging, until the Space was then found and this person penetrated my soul like the silence between a question and an answer. This person dragged the part of me out from the Space and prevented me to go back into there. And then i realized that i became the complete me again. Like a crooked circle finding the missing piece on Silverstein's picture book.

That's what he means to me, and i realized that before i realized the "feeling". So, no matter what, he's always gonna be someone who matters to my life. Always? it's a difficult word, isn't it?

Who will fix me now?
Drag me when i'm down
Save me from my self
Don't let me down
Who will make me fight?
Drag me out alive
Save me from myself
Don't let me drown

Ours by Taylor Swift

Hey dear, i sort of stumbled upon this song...

*play the music*


Elevator buttons and morning air
Stranger silence makes me wanna take the stairs
If you were here, we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now, my time is theirs
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you

And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you.
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours
You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine
And you'll say don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours
And it's not theirs to speculate if it's wrong and
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in

I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you
'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
And don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours, they can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours

*laughs

One night stand(?)

As a person who lives in a country which has diversity in culture (but nonetheless all of them strongly hold moral value) it's easy to see how relative the value of good and bad can be. Moreover with the globalization and westernization that seem to aggravate the dissolving of the boundary between good and bad. There are just too many differences, some good stuffs here can be pretty bad there and the other way around.
But, even though moral value is so relative and i even once read that good and bad is just a product of interest, it doesn't make me then presume that we don't have to think about the good and the bad thing, no, we have to. Stuffs like norms, laws, are products of civilization. For us, civilized creatures, having those stuffs is also the signification of homo sapiens.

Last weekend i went to watch theatre with my mate, A Midsummer Night's Dream. A play written by Shakespeare performed by Teater Sastra. It ended near midnight so there were only few choices of what to do. We actually sort of have decided that we were gonna stay the night to see the night life of the big city, so we kind of did that. We walked from Taman Ismail Marzuki to Sarinah, chuckled awkwardly for a time or two when passing by hotels. I was so excited that i was in a high spirited mood and started humming while walking, until K told me that we could be ambushed any time for it was dead late night and the streets were dark.

"Gak pernah ditodong ya?"

"...Iya. Kamu pernah?"

"Pernah."

I stopped humming. K asked me whether i brought a pen, i couldn't find one so i gave him a mechanical pencil instead. He told me "buat jaga-jaga.", well... i don't think that burglars are as amateur as to can be easily defeated by two lovebirds with a mechanical pencil, but we didn't have many choice. We kept strolling down the streets fast-paced, armed with google map. We finally managed to arrive... at McDonald Sarinah.

It was me who chose that place. Why? because it's in the heart of the city and in the morning there will be "Car Free Day". And then K told me that it is a place famous for homosexuals to gather, mingle, date? whatevs... i went there some times back then when i was working as a trainee in one of the office near there in my sophomore year. Never saw that sort of thing in the morning when i had breakfast there...

And it's true... There were many homosexuals dating and gathering or just eating. We could know just by seeing, you can too. They didn't even try to hide it i guess. I wonder why they chose that place. A 24 hrs junk food restaurant which sells lovely strawberry sundae and yummy mcflurry. There were other kinds of people too, like people who were just back from a night club, you could tell from their conversation and their outfits, some women with their partners, looking like prostitutes (but how can you differentiate prostitute and non-prostitute? pfff).

(it turned out that it's a place so interesting for a person who loves to observe people's behavior and way of socializing like K, we can learn stuffs we can't see in pages back at our sanctuary.)

I don't think being homosexual is good, but neither do i think that it's bad (it's different if i talk as a person who holds a belief). I don't know whether it's a perversion, or a mere differentiation of sexual relationship. I just can be sure that we are different. Me, and them. Not in stratum, class, stuffs like that. Being a hetero doesn't determine that i'm any good, vice versa. Something about a person doesn't define who that one is. Stuff like name, race, nationality, gender, and sexual interest, they are only attributes of the self, not the self itself (this sounds funny).

Besides homo-hetero stuff, i also don't think that a girl staying the night in a big city is good, nor i don't think it's bad. A girl like this can be stamped "naughty" on the face here in Indonesia. Some people might think that it is just like "inviting" to do the "bad" to herself. But what then is so bad about being curious about the relation of humans that i can't see in the daylight? what is so bad about sitting inside a junkfood restaurant with a cup of ice cream and some assignment papers? what is so bad about being together with your loved one in a place where you absolutely will not have sex or kiss and stuffs? is it really bad? asking about this i know somehow that it is not good, but is it bad?

In the end,
i don't care.

I had fun and i learned things.

Detasemen

Ketika diberitahu bahwa telepon pintar saya sudah tidak dapat diselamatkan lagi, saya merasa sedih. Namun, selain perasaan sedih saya juga merasa bersyukur. Bersyukur karena saya merasa diingatkan oleh Tuhan bahwa saya tidak boleh terlalu bergantung pada sesuatu. Saya merasa bahwa telepon pintar itu adalah salah satu titik nyaman saya, dan ternyata titik nyaman itu bisa hilang tiba-tiba.

Saya agak heran sebenarnya mengapa rasa syukur itu bisa muncul. Apakah karena saya sudah mengantisipasinya? apakah karena saya belum merasa sangat direpotkan dengan ketidakadaannya? karena pendewasaan? karena prinsip "Ya sudahlah, life moves on." yang diperkenalkan oleh seseorang? entahlah... yang jelas saya bersyukur juga karena di saat begini saya masih bisa bersyukur dan melihat sisi positifnya.

Sebenarnya telepon pintar itu belum begitu lama juga bersama saya, tapi artinya cukup berarti. Itu adalah telepon genggam pertama yang saya beli sendiri. Tidak ada permainan di dalamnya, aplikasi yang memenuhinya adalah aplikasi kamus-kamus, sarana untuk menulis, dan komunikasi. Selain itu ia juga penuh dengan musik-musik yang menemani saya di dalam kereta. Cuma ya sudahlah, mungkin memang sudah saatnya.

Selamat tinggal.

Reminiscing

As i stepped outside the train, i saw my surroundings. The old building of the train station, people walking by, the sky, it's dusk.


I remember about one afternoon. Walking with a friend. Entering a museum, laughing at how awkward it was when the security asked us if we were a couple. Cause they don't want couple coming there and kissing or stuffs. It's a museum.

I remember how the secondhand bookshop owner called you my husband. It's just so random. He could just think normally as guessing you my boyfriend or sibling. He said who knows whether we were young couple in a run.

I remember how the night came along with the sudden urge to hold hands as we walked to a nearby mall looking for a place to pray and then eat dinner.

I remember the parting.

Remember how the urge lingered.

Thinking about how it could end up differently, us, no i don't want that.

I laughed inwardly as i realized that this ranting is caused by the longing feeling for your presence. How i want you to be here.

K,
...............

(you know what i want to say so i will just leave it be)

K

After some dramas and endings, sad goodbyes and partings, we unite. Not as thesis and anithesis. But as the right person for each other.

Like cereal and milk!
nomnomnom.

After lots of long denials finally we realized that we can't afford to lose each other. The feeling like it is the rightest person to be with. Someone who can find you, someone who can give, someone who understands you. Someone whom you let in to your very sanctuary. 

We don't know since when, but i am his and he is mine. We don't wanna go anywhere or leave. 

Today, watched by candi and arca, we finally decided not to hide any longer.

"So in love."

**Ed Sheeran - Tenerife Sea



Kami duduk menghadap replika arca yang sedang membelah dada. Aku bertanya-tanya, mengapa? segitu sulitnya memahami makna yang dirasa? untung kami terus berbicara. Tidak menjelma menjadi arca yang tidak akan pernah belajar apa-apa. Tidak perlu membelah dada.

Affinity and Acceptance




Mau ramai terlalu sepi, mau sepi terlalu berisik, mau penuh dengan kekosongan, mau kosong terlalu penuh, mau terlalu dirasionalkan, mau tidak bisa dirasionalkan, mau butuh, mau dibutuhkan, mau terlalu mengerti, mau terlalu tidak mengerti, yang perlu dilakukan adalah: akseptasi.

Jika memang segalanya diawali oleh afinitas, maka biarkanlah akseptasi yang meneruskannya.

Sore ini di meja tiba-tiba topiknya berubah menjadi: "Apa bedanya suka dan cinta?"

Katanya suka hanya sekedar tertarik bla bla bla bla: afinitas.

Cinta: menerima.

Sesederhana dan serumit itu.

Jadi ketika kita memilih untuk tidak menerima, mencintai itu bisa jadi kita anggap belum diperlukan saat itu. Atau kita ragu-ragu. Atau memang bukan untuk di kasus yang itu.

Dan ketika kita memilih untuk menerima, tanggung resikonya. Bijaksanalah dalam memilih (ngomong ke diri sendiri :/) dan jangan setengah-setengah.

Saya berpikir ketika saya merasa bisa melakukan akseptasi, saya akan mengabaikan kemungkinan bahwa pilihan itu bisa dibatalkan. Bahwa tidak ada jalan lain selain memelihara akseptasi itu. Bahwa tidak ada yang salah dengan bertahan. Vice versa.

Ask.fm

Asking means wanting to know. Wanting to know means you care. I like it when people elaborate their perspective, when they talk about certain thing with their own point of view. It feels like being invited to a room of their mind. It allows you to know them better.


So i asked some people weird questions, hoping them to give some hints of their way of thinking. Their reasonings can be a way to trace what kind of life they've been living, something they've been through. Knowing it means you have entered the backstage of their show. And it means knowing their struggles, their pains, their problems.

And knowing is not the end of that. After knowing here comes a decision. Do you want to proceed? and if you do it means you decide to care. (Or, this is how it works for me)

Masalah



Masalah.

Apa itu masalah?

Kalau kita coba jelaskan menggunakan gambar yang ada di atas, masalah adalah jarak.

Masalah adalah jarak antara yang terjadi dan yang diharapkan. Kenyataan dan harapan.

Jarak seringkali pun menjadi masalah.

Masalah sudah pernah menjadi jarak.

Jarak sudah pernah menjadi masalah.

Sekarang kita mau apa?


"Our Sanctuary" Mixtape

1. Utada Hikaru - Dareka no Negai ga Kanau Koro

Now i understand why i kept abusing the replay button for two nights only listening to this song.

2. Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One

*laugh*


3. Ed Sheeran - Photograph

*laugh*


4. Banda Neira - Di Atas Kapal Kertas

[We] thought about what kind of story will a papership, and some paper frogs make. They were tired of jumping so they decided to go on a boat who sails with the wind and have an adventure, they went to many places but then came the rain and they decided to make the ship as cover so that they weren't getting wet. They learned that the best place to go home is the home itself. Other places maybe fun but it's not the place you'll stay at in the end and home is the place where you can be yourself completely.
It was fun.


5. Keira Knightley - Lost Stars

Jendral

Ada yang menggelitik ketika semuanya mengatakan "keluarga". Ada yang menghilangkan rasa takut akan menjadi overly attached ketika mendengarnya. Ternyata semua merasakan hal yang sama, dan ketika persamaan itu kami sadari, kami menjadi satu. Status keluarga bukanlah hal yang bisa sembarangan diberikan. Keluarga itu tempat pulang. Keluarga adalah orang-orang yang kita percayai, orang-orang yang akan saling tolong-menolong, kasih-mengasihi tanpa syarat. Keluarga.


Untuk kalian keluargaku,
kata yang tak terucap:

Pada malam senja bermuara
Pada ketika kita bermula
Ruang tak pernah bersilangan dengan waktu yang sama
Ketika bukan malam
Ketika tak berfajar

Memijak ketika
Menjunjung cerita
Membelakangi awal mula
Menyongsong muara
Namun padanya kita tak akan pernah tiba

Muara senja boleh datang
Untuk kita tak ada petang
Tak ada malam

Sebenarnya agak aneh karena dapat inspirasinya ketika melihat kaos panitia Muara Senja 2, tapi inilah yang bisa dikatakan pada kalian. Bagi kita tidak ada malam, karena kita sudah pulang.

Tonight's Mixtape

Malam itu muara.
Kental, kaya warna.
Bukan bicara nestapa.

"Lagu apa?"

"Yang enak didenger malem-malem."

"Apa ya?"

"Nih. Lo lagi sama temen-temen lo di taman. Kalian males pulang. Udah tuh nyanyi-nyanyi."

"Lagu lama nih. Tau gak?"

Ne-Yo - So Sick

"A rocket to the moon. Tau gak?"

"Gue lebih suka yang baby blue eyes dibanding yang like we used to."

A Rocket To The Moon - Baby Blue Eyes

"Ih lo harus nyanyiin gue Ed Sheeran yang Photograph sama A Team."

"A Team? Sekarang aja."

Ed Sheeran - A Team

"Lagi pengen nyanyi-nyanyi nih."

"Apa ya? terserah lo mau nyanyi apa."

"Gue gak tau chord-nya John Mayer sih."

"...hoh, Eh John Legend."

"Gue sih agak bosen itu."

"Gue juga."

John Legend - All Of Me

Mixtape

I'm thinking about the world.


Thinking about silence.

Thinking about not talking.

And then focus thinking about not talking. Communicating without talking. Because there are so many misunderstandings. Words hurt. Cut like swords. What we mean doesn't reach yet what we doesn't mean does and it's such a hostile one.

What to do? while listening musics. Particular songs i want to hear right now. They actually describe something i guess. And what they describe is always vague. It's always an open answer, we will understand it if people perceive it differently.

How about whenever people ask me how i feel, how i am, i give them a mixtape?

That sounds nice.

People don't always really need explanation anyway when they ask why you don't look like you are at ease.

Just a postmodern poet

Just got a crush with these poems of Richard Brautigan.
Look what i've brought home from http://www.brautigan.net/poetry.html !



"A Cigarette Butt"
A cigarette butt is not a pretty
     thing.
It is not like the towering trees,
     the green meadows, or the for-
     est flowers.
It is not like a gentle fawn, a
     singing bird, or a hopping
     rabbit.
But these are all gone now,
And in the forest's place is a
Blackened world of charred trees
     and rotting flesh—
The remnants of another forrest
     fire
A cigarette but is not a pretty
     thing. 



"Moonlight on a Cemetery"
Moonlight drifts from over
A hundred thousand miles
To fall upon a cemetery. 

It reads a hundred epitaphs
And then smiles at a nest of
Baby owls. 



"Reflection"
God, all the shit
that is going to be written
     about me
after I am dead. 



"ALL WATCHED OVER BY MACHINES OF LOVING GRACE "
I like to think (and

the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.

I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers
as if they were flowers
with spinning blossoms

I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace.


Pretty cute right? :D lovely.

A Struggling ENTP

MBTI doesn't determine what kind of person you are. It's a continuum anyway, the coefisiens you get for each determiner every time you take the test may differ.


I'm an ENTP. It is said that the Sensing-Feeling arena of an ENTP is the least developed area.

The least developed area for the ENTP is the Sensing-Feeling arena. If the Sensing areas are neglected, the ENTP may tend to not take care of details in their life. If the Feeling part of themself is neglected, the ENTP may not value other people's input enough, or may become overly harsh and aggressive. -personalitypage.com


I can be terribly harsh at times. I often forget about how people might feel when i speak matter of factly. I'm used to think when i talk, not think then talk, and my way of thinking doesn't really concern the-feeling-of-the-person-i'm-talking-to aspect.

But i don't think that's good. Even if at hard times it'd kept me from breaking apart.


Maybe i'll always be an ENTP, who's prone to use less feeling. But i don't wanna lose balance. I don't wanna be extremely senseless and emotionless. I know i'm not a good person but i do wanna change. I really wanna change.

I wanna be someone who cares about people, i wanna be someone less-egocentric, but not with changing who i am.

At this point i think changing is not the right word. I'm teaching my self to be better.


Have you seen the tagline on my blog? quotes from BMTH's song:

"I can't drown my demons they know how to swim."

I can't kill my demons, i can't turn them into heavenly creatures, but who knows whether i can teach them to be more humane?

Bismillah.

PS: I talk much about MBTI, heh? it's fascinating.

Sorry not sorry

I'd been feeling sorry for not being able to be overwhelmed by feeling. I'd been feeling sorry for being in control. I'd been blaming myself for being okay. I was afraid that i was getting more emotionless, the usual defense mechanism. But then i always thought, i knew all along i always thought, not felt. I thought i was sad, i thought i had to, i thought i need to talk things over. I was afraid that i didn't really feel so.


I was denying my own self.

I was trying to conquer my NT side.

I was trying to seize my ego.

I was trying not to speak so matter of factly.

I was trying to do more than exchanging thoughts and arguments.

But that what makes me okay. That's what keeps me away from sadness. That's why i can be strong. It's the way i am. I can care and not care about things at the same time. I can show that i'm sad and then not feeling anything bad the hour later. I have this kind of control that avoids me to be very messed up inside.

And i don't want to deny myself just because i think i need to feel sad. That if i'm not sad it means i'm the bad guy. No, life is not like a movie where there should be someone to blame. The hated. The bad guy.

And i'm telling you here, when you focus less on your own feeling you can start thinking about others. How they may be affected by your doings, how things will end up id you do certain things. You're able to be more aware. And it also helps you not to be overwhelmed by anything, feeling, angst.

Look, i'm a super egocentric person who tries to be less egocentric. A person with humongous ego to be ruled upon. It's a long way to go, that's why i feel like someone's breaking down my spirit, blocking my journey when this one only thinks about one's own good. Not thinking about how others might be affected by the deeds.

Sounds like an enemy? i'm neutral though. It's hard to really hate anyone.


Yes i'm not sad.
I'm good.
I'm being okay.
So what?
I'm heartless?
No.
I'm just strong.

Tear Jerking Moment

"Say something i'm giving up on you."





It's like:

I don't wanna give up,
So you too don't give up.
I don't wanna leave,
so you too, don't leave.
Please.


Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera
For you guys who feel like giving up, who can't hold on anymore...
but please, hold on.

Hantu

On the last post i mentioned "Ghost Story" right? i remember this team building sleepover i attended, say... 1-2 weeks ago. We did this "write your first impression about your friend." I got some... some comments on my physical appearance, and some weird comment like:


"hantu" (ghost)

ghost, this one said.

I don't know what makes this one have this kind of impression on me.

I'm not angry nor feeling insulted, i'm just curious.

And then this song.

And then i feel like a ghost.

crap.

Coldplay's Ghost Stories

Some days ago i went for a little me time. Going to the mall alone, window shopping, bought stuff, enjoyed the drizzle, that day i stumbled upon Coldplay's latest album that was released on May 2014.

I'm not good at giving comments for music i guess, i can only say that the songs are easy to listen, and they mostly talk about broken love but the music is so soothing it doesn't corroborate the broken feeling inside you unlike those tear jerking love songs you listen to so that you can dramatize and hurt yourself like you like it so much, are you masochistic? (ew that's harsh... i'm not being serious here haha)

Here are my favorites:

True Love, Ghost Story, O, Oceans

Listening to these songs makes me wanna embrace all the brokens. To tell them i feel them (not really though), to tell them they are not alone, to stay with them in the cold night watching the electric fireflies wander around the city.

1. True Love

from: http://coldplaylyrics.tumblr.com/post/84557832021/true-love-coldplay
The fourth song in the album. With all my subjectivity i love this song because i ever felt this way:

For a second, I was in control


I had it once, I lost it though

Just because letting the feeling flows and takes control, i became stupid and then failed. Even if this song doesn't really represent what i feel especially now, some lines represent what i ever felt. Like unfinished puzzle. It shows something but you can't get the complete picture because there are these missing pieces. And i just like how the song begs "lie to me" serenely. Like it's really fine to.


2. O

http://sioweelin.wordpress.com/2014/05/13/ghost-stories-spirits-of-the-coldplay-past/
I simply love the song. The music. I can listen to this song and sleep away. Fly on.


3. Ghost Story

http://www.cut-online.com
Me loves this song.This song is sarcastic. Hahaha.

When you don't believe

I'm here?What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

4. Oceans

http://www.idolator.com/7515309/coldplay-oceans-live-bbc-ghost-stories
 If they said this album revolves around a central theme of "opening yourself up to love" then this one sings about opening yourself up to the unavoidable tendency of being broken. Like, when you have opened yourself up to love that means at that second you think you are ready to be broken. That when the time comes, you'll be ready. It will still hurt, though but it's okay. Cause you've known all along.


And then i remember Viva La Vida. And now i'm thinking how different these songs are to Viva La Vida. But i still love them.



I recommend these songs for those who want to shoo their broken heart pain away and sleep. These songs are relaxing. Your friend who listens to your sobbing without demanding any explanations. Your wind to fly to the night sky.

Good night.

(and i just realized that it's 00.15 already geez)

4 hari

Hari ini seharian saya bangun-tidur-bangun-tidur hanya demi melanjutkan mimpi. Anehnya, mimpinya benar-benar berlanjut secara linear. Ini menyenangkan! aku jadi seperti punya dunia sendiri ketika terlelap. Bukan hal baru bagiku, sih. Tapi 4 hari ini aku sedang memimpikan orang yang sama terus-terusan, padahal orangnya tidak spesial. Tapi bagiku yang di mimpi, dia jadi spesial. Aneh. Saat bangun perasaan spesial itu tidak ikut terbawa.


Cuplikan:

"Kok lama?"

"Aku nunggu kamu."

"Aku juga nunggu kamu. Hahaha. Berarti kita nunggu kita."